Honestly Steve85. Since I went on the road to one of my job projects in CT back in Oct. When she initiated the BD on me me, with the " I need my space " " ilybnilwya" I was up in CT for three months coming home on weekends . She even said she got used to being alone, and preferred it herself. Before that project, when I was local, I would retreat to my politics, my phone, and my FB and YouTube when I got home, and she would retreat to her reality tv shows. No interest from either party in spending time together. But she never saw that she hogged the tv, she never saw that, that she retreated to her own world intentionally because that was always how she winded down and coped from her mental stress at work, and I pointed that out to her. But blamed me for retreating to my own world as a result of her retreating to her fantasy world Never left me a spot or a space on the couch. Never invited me to watch TV with her. She never saw that. She barely acknowledged her neglect on housekeeping, and division of labor, She would always spin it on me that I never clean the bathroom or dusted the floors. That was all she ever did. I would always do the kitchen every morning at 2 am, the dining room of all of her crap ( which is still there) the two-bedroom, and the yard during season.
I'm lucky I got to have dinner at my dining room table 3 or 4 times a year. She still eats on the couch (I'm sure that's a real good example for our 1 year old son.)
We recently had a couple of snow storms here and I still did the driveway, cleaned off her car every time, because she would prefer to use the electric blower, because she doesn't feel like picking up a shovel, which would cause the snow to still stick melt and then freeze which would cause slip trip hazards on the stairs in the driveway since we are on a hill. The last time I shoveled the driveway for her, as a bartering trade she asked if I wanted breakfast since I shoveled the driveway. I politely refused since her mindset was clearly " since you did something for me, then I owe you" (Covert Contracts) When I give, I give without expectation. Just as an experiment I tried making her a pot of coffee for a month. Other than on Valentine's Day which I left her a card of gratitude, she hasn't thank me once for making the coffee so I stopped that too. She has however thank me and other places, for taking care of her when she had the flu. We had a talk which I mistakenly initiated on v day. That conversation left her confused, because she actually got a moment of sincere gratitude in the card that I wrote her. Which was what you wanted in the first place and she asked why now? She was eager for me to tell her and write out the things for her that she could have contributed better to the relationship. I told her I wanted to hold back on that I didn't want to come across as being critical any longer, and wanted to carefully think things through over time. But I haven't delivered on it yet and I probably won't, since she ignores me now. Anyway the things she wants to know, is only going to serve her own purpose that refects on herself and not to relationship itself. So since she's gone totally emotionless and quiet on me, I'm just going to keep doing my thing. The other day when I was having car trouble the other day validated me in a very short, concise, and neutral response. Sometimes I wonder if we are playing the same game? That are based on DB in principles. Only she's doing it naturally and I'm just catching up?
But it's all the man's fault it's always the man's fault, how they rewrite MR history, can't take objective friendly criticism, expect you to do all the changing but they won't change their own dynamics, only remember absolute negatives, attach psychology labels that IC 's fill their heads with of their spouses, Like Boaderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar, Narcissism, etc... It's funny, almost downright comical how they associated a woman's fog of mariral confusion, and blame it on their partner for narcissistic abuse? I'm not saying this because I'm a misogynist, but after reading books on both sides of the aisle women's and men's about relationships, I truly believe that woman's empowerment reinforces women to feel like victims and relationships, and encourages and reinforces there fickle feelings and following their heart which can sometimes get them into a lot of trouble, if they don't balance it with their heads, all in the name of women's empowerment because it sells. Women's empowerment teaches them to move on to become their stronger better self and they sell them a bill of goods that doesn't deliver, and at best maybe encourages some reform, rather than teaching real relationship dynamics, and how to improve on them and work with what you have like the way MWD, and other pro-marriage advocates do.
This is why even though I'm going to go see an IC for my own benefit, I'm not a believer of them because they only offer the simple neutral solutions of what the patient is suggesting, and are not pro marriage by virtue and principle. They are undertrained to deal with coping skills and marital exercises in bringing about resolve to a marriage. No they are all about feelings, and childhood traumas, and other Freudian philosophies, rather than behavorial modifications, and relations. The hypocrisies of of all this is my wife is a behaviorist, attending IC since Oct, and she apparently cannot see the duality of fault on both sides which failed the relationship. Even though I pointed out her behaviors over the last 10 years she has failed to correct them up until recently. Even though she's attending, IC , she's in full pursuit to dismiss me ignore me and move on to her new fantasy life. But whatever she can walk her own walk. I'll do my own. Apparently to her I was emotionally abusive for criticizing her to help me pull the weight with the house, when I was just reasonably frustrated. Apparently to her, she did all of the work on the house, and all the child care, and the food shopping (the last two parts are true.)
My STBXW (at least what I remember of her and not this person I'm dealing with now) the kind thoughtful positive caring and giving soul. However she has a very exaggerative mind set when it comes to owning problems and responsibilities.
I guess we will see in time as she diminishes the people pleaser part of herself and starts boldly asserting her true self if it's really there and that is who I'm really interacting with? We will see time will tell. I've only been an in-house separation for the last month-and-a-half, and BD was back in OCT. for S.
I have a lot of work to do on myself mentally emotionally physically financially and spiritually. I'm at that point where I'm 60% detached, and almost ready to walk away and file for D. But my moral principles and religious beliefs are preventing me from doing so. I will say this however once the separation is final and we sell the house and go our separate ways, whether temporary or permanent, I don't think I could ever trust her again to live with her, since my dreams of home and family have been shattered, I don't know if I want to trust her ever again since she's become so emotionally unavailable. I know why she's doing that she doesn't want to lead me on or give me false hope.
Truth of the matter is where I'm at right now it really makes no difference to me I just need to secure my future life for myself and my son. I just wish that she could wake up to the fact without me having to point out to her that all these issues within all of our marriages requires a persistent mind and the exercise of skill sets and coping mechanism, that these things for the marriage can be developed and it's not based on just momentary feelings that continually fluctuates. But it's not my place to point that out to her any longer it's her objective to walk her own path and for me to walk mine. I will clean up my side of the street.
