Yes, you're so right. I can't go through all this agony and not end up at least a better person out of it.
Today was weird, for the first time in 6 months it was like someone took my black and white life and turned the colour knob up (maybe you need to be a certain age to get that...) I went for a run along the beach and I was smiling at people and saying hello and listening to my music and feeling good even though it was windy. Now, this has happened plenty of times in the last 6 months, I love running and it has been my solace and my lifesaver, but for once my primary thoughts weren't about dh, even though he was sending me texts when I was out. That felt good! I just felt a deep sense that life is good, I will be ok no matter what and even though I love my dh and would dearly love for things to work out, that I will be ok without him if it comes to it. I was ok about seeing couples out holding hands, instead of thinking 'I wish that were me, why can't I have someone's hand to hold, I want that so badly' I was happy that they were happy and that I was out running.
Very strange. I hope it lasts, if this is detachment then I'm liking it. I'm sure there will be more dips on the road but for now, I like feeling more at peace.
i also had some banter going with dh via text today. I have this weird running joke where I take photos of something and he texted me about it, he must have been checking our photos. Then later he asked if I'd bought a new watch (mine broke) and I said no, so he asked what the money was for the jeweller (I bought a new wedding ring on Friday) and I said I was thinking about changing my look and what did he think about a nose ring. He was a bit non-plussed (maybe not sure if I was serious even?), but I thought it was hilarious, didn't tell him what it really was. I have definitely regained my sense of humour, so nice to have it back