Rocky Road 2

[Miler]

Quick update:

So yesterday was a good day. There was a noticeable openness about her. I am unsure whether it is easier to detach and GAL when she is open (because this is what healthy relationships do) or whether I'm just feeling more confident that she's not leaving, so it's easier for me to self-differentiate and GAL. Either way, it's a 180...I'm not dependent on her or what she's doing for the day for my happiness or mood. I know as soon as I wake up that I'm doing me, and hopefully she'll join my sphere.

I'll tell you, Coach's suggestions aren't just what ladies find attractive, but also a huge part of GAL. Once per day I am accomplishing something to do with the house (replaced a damaged baseboard yesterday, put magnet cabinet closures on the cabinets that sway open on their own today...tomorrow, I'm resealing the grout in the kitchen where water deteriorates it behind the sink), something to do with my health (I'm either going to the gym or running every day), and something with one of the kids (yesterday I played a board game with S11 after his homework...D18, S16, and W joined in later after dinner because me and S11 were having so much fun, today I'm going to S16's track practice). I'm almost certain because of my constant busy-ness and focus on me/external things, W if taking interest in what I'm doing and how I'm doing.

Last night before bed we were both complaining how cold we were, I jokingly said...you know, I may jump in the bath to warm up my feet and toes! She said, that sounds like a fantastic idea! We sat in the tub together and I just held her for a bit. I had no expectations where that would lead. Ultimately, it didn't lead anywhere...but I can assure you, in the past, I may have made her feel pressured or guilty for not having sex after a close moment like that. I actually offered to give her time by herself in the tub, which she did. I started reading in bed and by the time she came out, she started just talking to me...had small talk and went to bed. I also noticed we've started taking turns every night for who says good night first.

This morning, she was very talkative, and not just small talk. She was asking my opinion about some family matters, some work stuff, and just having conversations about what's going on in each other's life. It's just so different...it's like she's not afraid to talk to me any more. This was a HUGE issue for me. I would always try to have an answer, a fix, or dominate her in conversation. I'm sure it'll take a while before everything feels permanent or like the new normal. I will most certainly keep up my end of the deal .

Some very small signs of thawing on showing affection. Yesterday before I went to the gym, she blew me a kiss on the way out of the door. Today when she saw me at the gym, she ran her hand up my leg. I have been trying to focus on 2 touch charges a day. She seems to be much more receptive to them that she was previously. I have to continue this with no expectations.

Note for LBS spouses that seems to be working for me:
1) detach (better called self-differentiation). I think it's a domesticated belief that it's not safe or healthy for spouses to have freedom. B.S. It's super healthy and seems to be working for me. Each of us can be who we are and do what makes us happy without needing the other person or worrying about what the other person thinks. Not detaching is a subconscious form of control...let it go.
2) Use the gift of time...never force it. I think you always need to examine your behavior and thoughts...why are you doing something??? Is it really to control S or you want things to happen quicker? Pain and anxiety usually makes this worse. Learn some techniques to reduce pain and anxiety. Giving some statement of gratitude always helped me. I am grateful for healthy and bright children, I'm grateful that my parents are still alive, I'm grateful that I have a job I am happy with, etc. I also have a journal that I look at every day...It give me words of affirmation, it lists Sandi' rules, and tips from this forum.
3) READ, REAd, and READ more...there are tons of self-help book that can help with 180s. I read all I can on LLs, how to communicate, how to have healthy relationships, etc.
4) Mirror your spouses behavior when it comes from the relationship. When spouse starts initiating conversations more, you start initiating some conversation IN PROPORTION. When spouse starts touching in affection, you start touching in affection IN PROPORTION. When spouse starts giving you a kiss, you start initiating a small kiss IN PROPORTION.

That's all for now. Honestly, it feels like we are reconciling, but just without the physical intimmccy and affection. Patience...right .