I often think that he is hoping that I will eventually throw him out or that he can provoke a really big fight to give him a "reason" to leave. Then he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
Yes, he probably is. Almost guaranteed.
Don’t take the bait. Let him figure it out.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Mine absolutely did this. At a waste of time MC session at the end when the counselor asked why he hadn't left if he was so unhappy, he said "she hasn't made me." After I heard that, I made him. He'd still be here if I hadn't. After 5 years of that crap I'd had enough.
I never thought mine would leave after months of talking about it But he finally did--without a fight
but it makes sense that the MLCer would want us to create some drama to make it justified I know it difficult going through this day in and out but it will get resolved just keep as you are for now work on you
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Are there differences between men in MLC and women in MLC? I know all MLCs depend on the person but are there known gender-specific differences? Similarly, are there differences in being an LBS man or woman?
The one difference that I have found is that women can be more devious and spiteful in their behavior. Generally, their behaviors are very similar in nature to the men's behaviors.
As for the LBS man or woman differences? In my opinion, I have seen a lot of men give up and walk away quicker than women...but that's my opinion over the last 20 years and IRL.
By the way, you might want to do some reading on depression. Women and men tend to handle depression a bit differently and of course, depression is the main ingredient of MLC.
As you stated, each person is unique in how they handle their crisis and so is the LBS. It all depends upon the damage that the MLCer has inflicted on the LBS as to whether they move forward and leave the door open or slam the door shut, lock it and stash the key and never look back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think it depends more on each individual person- not so much gender because we see plenty of MLC moms leave their kids here
I also see the male LBS becoming great fathers here just as we woman take on roles of both parents to support our kids the LBS male seems very similar to LBS woman as both genders seek individual support by coming here, personal growth and healing and seems to put the kids first and many stand for great lengths of time- some even longer than the woman stand-
for the MLCer: maybe it depends more on how bad their childhood was if they are addicted to something and what the addiction is to
if they get help vs if they tumble further into addictive behavior/drugs alcohol
just my guess
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
The main reason I was wondering if there were gender-based differences is that my husbands mother had an MLC when she turned 40 and did pretty much exactly what he is doing now (at exactly the same age). She decided that her life was too boring and that she had wasted it. She wanted freedom and adventure. She had an affair. And she divorced her husband. 5 years after her divorce she regretted it all but by then her husband had remarried.
My husband has never forgiven his mother. He blames her for breaking up his family. But somehow he is blind to the fact he is doing the same thing.
To me the similarity is uncanny. I wondered if men and women often do the same thing or if this was something particular to my husband and his mother/family. Seems like it is just MLC script.
The main reason I was wondering if there were gender-based differences is that my husbands mother had an MLC when she turned 40 and did pretty much exactly what he is doing now (at exactly the same age). She decided that her life was too boring and that she had wasted it. She wanted freedom and adventure. She had an affair. And she divorced her husband. 5 years after her divorce she regretted it all but by then her husband had remarried.
My husband has never forgiven his mother. He blames her for breaking up his family. But somehow he is blind to the fact he is doing the same thing.
To me the similarity is uncanny. I wondered if men and women often do the same thing or if this was something particular to my husband and his mother/family. Seems like it is just MLC script.
first i want to say sorry that your going through all this. I heard the same stuff come out of my wifes mouth. I crave independence and freedom. That I was holding her back whatever that means. I'm not sure what shes going through still and probably never will. Thats sad that he can see what his mom did but can't see what he's doing.
I do believe there are some gender-based differences with the MLCer and LBS. However any generalized summations of the behavioural types lead to a non-determinable predictor of outcome. What the h3ll am I writing? I actually was attempting, and thought I was accomplishing, to simplify my thoughts. I think I need to try again! I guess I could just backspace this away, but I had a good laugh at myself, maybe someone else will as well.
What I am trying to say: MLCers behave irrationally. Some will leave their kids, some will not. Some push for divorce and others will slog their way along. Both genders exhibit the same traits, it is very much an individual thing. Once crisis hits, male or female, they are off the rails, and who knows where things are heading.
For the LBS we are not quite so irrational. We all start out hurt and scared. As we start to heal, the ingrained societal roles of man and women start to re-establish. Some stereotypical responses may occur, like more men quit standing than women for example. As stated for the MLCer, this is very much an individual thing. We are all a product of our upbringing. Depending on many factors, coping skills, unconditional love received as a child, etc... one may grow and push beyound what we know and become more. Again, no one gender is significantly different in this respect.
I believe that most of the MLCers eventually face this growth and possible becoming more. They have to get passed the running and start to heal, and that takes time. However, statistics for this life event, for MLCer or LBS, are hard to come by and far from representative of the complete picture.
What is pretty interesting is the similarities between MLCer and the script they seem to follow. Also that they seem to relive past trauma, inflicting their pain onto others, like their children. Again anecdotal evidence, but that’s all we got.
For what it’s worth. My W is inflicting past damage from her parents (Mom particularly), on to her children. And she is in denial and unable, and unwilling, to see it. Just like your H.
W threw away her children. Her Mom did the same to her when W was 18. W doesn’t speak to her children. Her Mom hasn’t spoken to W since her and I were married, 27 years now, that’s a long time to remain silent. Around 5 months after BD on my way home from work, W called me and asked (probably more demanded) me to get the kids to speak to her. I tried to explain her actions to her (it was futile btw), telling her how she was doing exactly what her Mom did to her, she was now doing to her kids.
That was met with angry astonishment. I still can hear the incredulousness in the words through the hand free phone.
Me - You are behaving like <Mom’s name>. W - I am not like my Mom! She is the one not talking to me! Me - And you are not talking to the kids. W - No! It is the kids who are not talking to me! Me - But what are you expecting? You are the Mom. W - They will talk to me. Me - Maybe. You’ve been 25 years. They could take 30. W - Fine. They will reach out! Me - Really!?! Three decades! When your almost 80? W - They’re the ones not talking, I can wait.
It was like talking to her Mom. I expect you can see your H’s mother’s behaviour mirrored in him. It is spooky how similar they act, and how unaware they are of it.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
