Embracing my inner me

[DnJ]

Good Morning Grace

I know you are doing a lot of inner searching. You have some very well thought of responses.

As always, thanks for the thought provoking response DnJ. I am struggling between “what’s the point of telling H what I know about him” to “I want him to know I know all the ugly things about him, and why he feels such shame, but I still am here to help in in spite of it if he wants my help”. But, is that a mask for “I want him to know how terrible he treated me, and to hurt him by letting him know I know his darkest secrets”. This last part scares me. It’s not in my nature to be mean on purpose. And, I’m afraid he would then permanently end his pain. I can’t even say the word. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I was the cause of that.

I remember this time. Yes, the wanting to hurt our spouse for all they did to us. I also didn’t like the vindictive retribution I wanted to unleash upon her. And the thought of their ending of their pain. These are very real concerns for an LBS.

The hard advice - let him go. Do not interfere with his journey, it is futile. Let him walk his path, he needs to, he is driven to. Let karma and life challenge him, and force him to grow. You walk your path, and have no hand in his downfall, he can own it all.

When I found out about OW and asked him about it, he stated she was pressing him to buy a place with her, but he was resisting. Isn’t that something I should know about? The idea is already in his head, and I’d be surprised if the pressure wasn’t still on. Is it better to just let it unfold on it’s own accord, and then make a decision once HE’s made a decision?

Actually, yes, I think he would have a right to know if that is what I decide to do. I would have a discussion with him before I had any papers drawn up. I would hope we can do it through mediation. So yes, as long as we are still married, I believe I do have a right to know if he plans to shack up with someone else.

When my W blew up and moved in with OM that night, I and our kids had no idea. Did I have a right to know? Let’s say yes. Ok, she didn’t tell me until she was leaving. But what about my rights? I have a right to know!! So what to do when she doesn’t tell me.

I learned I don’t have a right to anyone’s thoughts or feelings. A good relationship has two people sharing with each other.

Your H is an adolescent right now, and he is going to be secretive. He doesn’t want you knowing his whereabouts or actions. MLC is not a normal relationship problem, it is a psychological problem with our errant spouses. In a more rational situation, with someone more stable, yes talking with them would have different results. It just doesn’t work like that with MLC.

So how about this. Yes you have rights in marriage - you need to let go of those too. Let this unfold on its own.

But I can imagine it will be extremely difficult (impossible?) to repair a M when H can’t come clean even with himself and deal with it all. Maybe that’s partly why I am standing. That my prayers are answered and he will decide he wants to heal so he can live the rest of his life happy, with or without me. I have compassion enough in me to help him through it IF he choses to let me. Even if we can ever live as husband and wife again.

I so desired to repair my M. Now as I stand at the brink of our divorce I actually see and believe (and I really didn’t before), our marriage is dead, it is over. The dream took quite some time to let go of. If W ever reaches out, and I am still standing or willing, we would need to start a new relationship.

W and I, everything we had is destroyed. There was nothing but ruin, dust, and ash. Cleaning away the debris I found my strong foundation and built upon that. Standing, letting go, indifference, compassion, forgiveness - it is all for you.

Isn’t exposing me to STDs and emotionally abandoning me abuse? Something I’ve thought about a bit. I don’t feel “abused”. But, that’s often the case with the recipient of abuse, isn’t it? I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching about this. I’m working on how to forgive him for this. I need to find full forgiveness for this, so I can move forward. Not to excuse it.

STD - I really was p!ssed off the day I had to get tested. Sitting there, rubber hose around my arm, young nurse reading over the order and reason for the sample. Arrrr. I just wanted to tell her this is not from my behavour, I am a faithful loyal husband. And the abandonment- oh yes. That takes a while to accept and forgive.

Are you and I the recipients of abuse? Probably.

Possible exposure to STD and the abandonment has already happened. Have to work to find acceptance to that.

Going forward - boundaries. Don’t let H cross your boundaries and inflict further damage.

I love your headings - compassion and forgiveness. You can, and I believe will, find them. You need to focus on you and not on H and his plans or actions. Ensure your security and keep moving forward.

DnJ