MLC? Confused what to do (Part 2)

[SteveLW]

How do I go about asking her to move out?

First, know where you stand legally.

Don't do or say anything if emotions are running high, like if you confront her about OM, etc.


I doubt she will leave, but here's what I would do if I were in your shoes.

I would tell her that I will not remain in an open MR or settle for an IHS. If OM continues to be in the picture in any way, I will make preparations to legally end our M. I would tell her I prefer that she left and stayed somewhere else, rather in the home. If she insists on staying here until the D is final, it will not be with the options she previously suggested. I won't play happy family when in the house with her. I won't escort her to events, including friends/family. We won't be attending anything "together", or doing things "as a family". We each go our separate way. I will put the house up for sell, and we can evenly split whatever is left after debts are paid off.

Now, that is what I would say, but this is your life, Anthony, not mine. I don't think the option of a separation is going to help this situation, but that's my opinion. I believe tough love is in order here. With that said, don't try to bluff her. You have to mean what you say. Don't say it like a threat. Just say it calmly. Using a calm voice is more effective than an emotional one.

Anthony, this is sandi's post. This is exactly what I thought it was. Based on her financial sitch, I think you would be looking at the big paragraph, which is what I was getting at earlier. Unfortunately, IHS is a legal reality for most people. Also, most posters come here wanting to avoid D. And while IHS is emotionally difficult, it does allow her to see your 180s and your detachment, and your GAL.

I've written extensively about the "grass is greener" dynamic related to people's sitches. Those in IHS think it would be so much easier if the WAS was out of the house. Those that are physically separated think IHS would allow the WAS to see their GAL, detachment and 180s. Not sure how many other sitches you've read here Anthony, but that is exactly what happens. IHS think "I could detach so much easier if I was separated." Physically separated think "I have no way of showing them my 180s!" So be careful what you wish for.

The main thing I am trying to get you to see is many LBS have threatened S and D as a way to try to wake their WAS up to the reality of their choices, only to end up D wondering what happened. If you truly believe that limbo and cohabitation is too much for you, and you'd rather D than be patient in IHS, then go for it. As sandi said in her post, it is your life Anthony. I just want you to make your choice with both eyes open.

DBing, Anthony is counter-intuitive. What you FEEL like you should be doing is rarely WHAT you should be doing. I've made the point before that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. You are in separate rooms. I believe you kept the master bedroom, right? You're next step is to give her the time and space she needs to make up her mind. If she wants to S and D it will happen, you won't be able to stop it. However, you can take actions and say things that will ensure she goes that route. Since I am detecting that deep down you want to save your MR, then take the time to let things settle in. The limerance phase of an A wears off. It might wear off this weekend or 3 months from now.

If you had a crystal ball and could see that if her A will end in July....that she would recommit to the marriage in Sept. and in a year from now you guys would be in the same bed, coparenting as spouses, going on weekly dates, what would you choose? Obviously you can't know that, but one of the things I've adopted for people going through this is: earn your way out of your marriage. IE, don't take the easy way out. Make sure you can look back and say to yourself, I did all I could do to try to save this marriage. It may come up later with your kids.