Embracing my inner me

[Grace21]

As always, thanks for the thought provoking response DnJ. I am struggling between “what’s the point of telling H what I know about him” to “I want him to know I know all the ugly things about him, and why he feels such shame, but I still am here to help in in spite of it if he wants my help”. But, is that a mask for “I want him to know how terrible he treated me, and to hurt him by letting him know I know his darkest secrets”. This last part scares me. It’s not in my nature to be mean on purpose. And, I’m afraid he would then permanently end his pain. I can’t even say the word. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I was the cause of that.

Asking him about his plans to get a place with OW puts him on the spot where he has to answer you. Of course you know how shamed he is, so he is going to say yes, to save face, to justify his position, you can’t really know if it is true.
Another thing that question does is place that idea in his scrambled brain. If he wasn’t thinking about moving in with her, he sure will be after your inquisition.

When I found out about OW and asked him about it, he stated she was pressing him to buy a place with her, but he was resisting. Isn’t that something I should know about? The idea is already in his head, and I’d be surprised if the pressure wasn’t still on. Is it better to just let it unfold on it’s own accord, and then make a decision once HE’s made a decision?

I was thinking about “your right to know”. Why do you think that? Does he have the right to know your plans? The plans for divorce for example?

Actually, yes, I think he would have a right to know if that is what I decide to do. I would have a discussion with him before I had any papers drawn up. I would hope we can do it through mediation. So yes, as long as we are still married, I believe I do have a right to know if he plans to shack up with someone else.

Hopefully not too harsh there. Talking to MLCers is really a honey vs vinegar kind of a thing.

I don’t come on the forum to worry about advice that may seem harsh. I am looking for real advice that is helpful in interacting with H and getting me through this crisis. Advice to let me see other perspectives when I am blind by my hurt and despair. And yes, sometimes I just want compassion and “I’m sorrys”. Sometimes there is no advice to give or receive.

You will never have all the facts. You will never have all the story. He doesn’t even know the facts or story, they are changing all the time for him.

Very true. But I can imagine it will be extremely difficult (impossible?) to repair a M when H can’t come clean even with himself and deal with it all. Maybe that’s partly why I am standing. That my prayers are answered and he will decide he wants to heal so he can live the rest of his life happy, with or without me. I have compassion enough in me to help him through it IF he choses to let me. Even if we can ever live as husband and wife again

Besides is H moving in with OW really the final straw?

Probably.

There are some behaviours that you must take action with - abuse, theft, credible threats

Isn’t exposing me to STDs and emotionally abandoning me abuse? Something I’ve thought about a bit. I don’t feel “abused”. But, that’s often the case with the recipient of abuse, isn’t it? I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching about this. I’m working on how to forgive him for this. I need to find full forgiveness for this, so I can move forward. Not to excuse it.

Thankful for my work to keep my mind off of things.

It’s exhausting.