I don't think you can take it personally, Dilly. I mean - yes, the marriage wasn't perfect and you probably had your part to play in that, and you've looked at that part and done your bit in leaving the door open and building some connection while working on your own stuff. But it also sounds like he is depressed, a workaholic and was emotionally abusive to you - and that even very recently (like the incident where he shouted at you and blamed you for stubbing his toe) those behaviours continue.
Is he getting help with his depression or changing - or planning to change - his working pattern? Does he admit there is a seasonal element to this and is looking into treatments for SAD? It sounds like you are doing all the work. Has he ever actually said that what you're doing right now is working towards living together again, or him working towards full health and capacity to work on the relationship?
I know there's a lot of merit in not having R conversations and taking things very slowly. And in giving each other a ton of space and letting healing and change happen at its own pace. And it doesn't look like he is cake-eating - he has his own flat and his space and he does phone you and initiate contact with you. But it looks like you're looking for more, and want to work towards more, and he isn't - right now - on the same page as you because he is too ill.
When you say 'at some stage' do you have a timeline in mind? I know I've asked you that before. I guess if you did have a time-line, you could work through that with your IC. it isn't like you'd have to give him an ultimatum.
