Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

Thank you! I am definitely trying to focus on that, focus on me, focus on what I did wrong to end this relationship. I started writing a journal today, and filled it up with different things. Comparison of me now and me in 2015 (when we met) my regrets... and why I regret them. My goals without him. My goals for my next relationship (either with him or someone else). Examples of how I have grown already in the past 3 weeks. Some specific things that I would need to know would happen IF he and I reconcile. It really helped take my mind off the friends Instagram comment. That was actually my something to be proud of. Before I joined this board I would have immediately reacted to him with that. Yes it hurt me a lot of today but I forced that hurt to subside and got on with things.

I collect funky bags and tonight I got an amazon notification from his account (which he knows I use and have access to) saying he purchased a funky betsey Johnson bag, for delivery to his office. It’s christmas themed but says thing like I Love you a latte on it and has naughty or nice with the naughty ticked on it. My immediate reaction was he is having an affair, but logically talked myself down from that. I don’t think he would be capable of that. I think he wouldn’t be giving me hope if that was the case and he knows I would see this bag. So currently assuming he purchased it on behalf of a friend overseas. Logical or not, I don’t know. But again I patted myself on the back for not blowing up on him about it, questioning or accusing him. Trying to find the small wins so I can see this progress isn’t just in my head.

He text me earlier to see “great trip, just on way to the airport :)”. I just replied with “safe journey!” And then a little bit later he text me to let me know he lost his coat in one of the bars and I responded along the lines of, that must be annoying for you, perhaps they still have it. The conversation continued a little but I made sure I didn’t have the last word. I think this was a semi test from him... normally I would be so angry at him for losing an expensive coat but I have truly learnt how to pick my battles and not be a doormat as well. What does me being angry solve? Nothing. I’m sure he will think this is all fake but my actions will continue because consistency is key right.

We’ll see how he is when he comes home I guess and over the next few days. I don’t think he has any trips booked for a while so this is where the real tests will be.

I’m so grateful for everyone on this board that has encouraged me and helped me. I still very much want my husband to come back to me but genuinely not until we are both good and ready. I love him with all my heart but I am trying to detach and get a tiny tiny bit further each day with that.