Embracing my inner me

[DnJ]

Hi Grace

You sound better. And yes you are a warm, compassionate, and caring person.

Good for you getting tested and making an appointment to see a second L. Information is power and really important to pushing away denial.

A few observations and maybe even one small change.

But, I do think in April I will ask to meet to ask directly if he plans to get a place with OW. I have a right to know, so I can make my own decisions on how I want to proceed with all the facts. If he does, I will probably start D proceedings. And have a discussion with my kids about it.

I am glad you are waiting until April. Your feelings probably will change.

Asking him about his plans to get a place with OW puts him on the spot where he has to answer you. Of course you know how shamed he is, so he is going to say yes, to save face, to justify his position, you can’t really know if it is true.

Another thing that question does is place that idea in his scrambled brain. If he wasn’t thinking about moving in with her, he sure will be after your inquisition.

So, what about an answer of No. Can you believe him? You know he can manipulate, lie, cheat, etc... You really cannot believe either answer.

I was thinking about “your right to know”. Why do you think that? Does he have the right to know your plans? The plans for divorce for example?

We had a privilege of knowledge with our spouses, before all this mess. It was a privilege, even in the greatest times of our marriages our spouses still at their rights to keep their thoughts private.

Hopefully not to harsh there. Talking to MLCers is really a honey vs vinegar kind of a thing.

You can probably guess the small change I want to suggest.

...ask directly if he plans to get a place with OW. I have a right to know, so I can make my own decisions on how I want to proceed with all the facts.

Let me start at the back. You will never have all the facts. You will never have all the story. He doesn’t even know the facts or story, they are changing all the time for him.

You make your own decisions based on your beliefs, values, and convictions. Do not based your decisions on whatever he says about moving in with OW. Besides is H moving in with OW really the final straw?

There are some behaviours that you must take action with - abuse, theft, credible threats, and so on. A foolish husband, who doesn’t realize what a fantastic wife he had, moving in with an OW. Bah, he is not worth you getting all bent out of shape. Keep to your path, all things will come in time.

Just some hopefully thought provoking ideas for considering. You know your situation best. Ensure you are responding, and not reacting. And as always do what is best for Grace, deep inside her compassionate heart. You may not know what that is yet. It took me a while and a lot of counter-intuitive advice to follow, before I found out.

You are worthy to know yourself before you leap.

DnJ