My mind has calmed a bit over the last few days. Not to say my latest discovery isn't constantly in the back of my mind all the while I'm getting on with life, working, etc, but, it doesn't have the hold on me it did even just yesterday.
Now that the shock is over, I've been looking at Hs behavior throughout the last several years especially, but really through our entire marriage. He always said we never had a deep emotional or sexual connection. That's probably true.
But, I don't think it's for the reasons he says it is. The more I find out about his activities, and the more I think about how he buried himself in hobbies, I don't think he was ever capable of a deep emotional connection with me, or anyone (no matter he thinks his OWs were his "soul mates". " How could I ever compete with all the excitement porn and his activities gave him? And the more he got into it, the less he had to give at home. He states he is full of guilt and shame for "what he's done". But he thinks I only know of the OWs. Knowing what I know now, I'm sure the guilt and shame is quite profound. He had to keep pursuing more, upping the anty, to get anything out of it, I would imagine. There was absolutely nothing left to give me. He avoided intimacy at all costs. He can't face me. He doesn't want me to know the real him.
I didn't have a chance. Although I contributed to some unhealthy aspects to our M, where I am now is not my fault. This I am certain of.
So, that's my take on it. It's sad, so very sad. I am a warm, compassionate, caring person. Heck, I still have compassion and care for my sick H. I have a lot to give someone. It's a shame H won't receive it.
I am going to take my trip with my kids to see the folks and my sister, and clear my head. When I get back, I'm going to get the STD test out of the way, and I've made an appointment with a 2nd attorney. Just to ask a few questions and establish whether I think they would work out if I need an attorney. I don't plan to file anything.....yet.
But, I do think in April I will ask to meet to ask directly if he plans to get a place with OW. I have a right to know, so I can make my own decisions on how I want to proceed with all the facts. If he does, I will probably start D proceedings. And have a discussion with my kids about it.
Those are my thoughts for now. They could change, for sure. Lord knows I'm on the rollercoaster of my life.
