I truly meant what I said, I am in awe of the compassion and understanding you show your W. I would not beat yourself up too much about the temporary set back emotionally. We are all flawed and sometimes we regress back to our baser instincts - which is to immediately react based on the impact on us without examining the wider motivations of those that hurt us. Thankfully these feelings are normally a reaction to something and (for me, now) pass quickly. It helps that I can now walk away when these feelings hit, sit quietly, compose, and then start each day anew.
I cannot speak to your W's motivations, I can only think of it in terms of what my motivations would be. And honestly, there have been times throughout when I have wanted to break all financial ties - sell the house, splits the assets - because (sometimes) I think it would be easier to move on. Clean break. Anyway, something to think about.
What you said about not regretting choosing your W reminded me of something a friend said (I am summarizing many conversations into a single sentence):
"Our wedding day is still the best day of my life. I loved him completely and I know he loved me. We both changed. I will never regret having met him. I could not be with him now".
That to me is moving on with love.
I too am taking the "stay open" stance, but am extending it to "staying open to all possibilities: the possibility of a reconciliation with my H, the possibility of starting a new relationship and also the possibility of being on my own for a while longer". I am letting things unfold as they will.
Jumping into the god conversation. In another life I have read Tolstoy and Dostoevsky but found they tried to hard to intellectualise things. I like the way the divine is described in the Color Purple - I can't remember the exact words but it went along the lines of "It pisses God of if you walk past the color purple and don't notice it". I don't identify with any set religion, but I feel the divine in nature and in all things which bring me a sense of peace - anything by the impressionist, a beautiful handmade wooden chair and in the smiles of my children. I know there is something greater than me. It is not good or evil, it just is. If there is a silver lining in all of this (and there are many), it is that I have come to appreciate the beauty and simple pleasures that life has to offer. I notice now and in noticing, I have felt the presence of 'god'.
