Dostoevsky resonated in my soul in a way Tolstoy never did. My beliefs conform more to the former's existentialist views.
Because friends know I pray, go to Mass almost daily, and read the bible, they assume I am an orthodox believer. I am not. God is simply my abbreviated way of referring to core beliefs defining me and giving my life purpose. Even as I go through this most difficult phase of life, my existential commitment to my beliefs dictate my behavior. And I try not to impose these beliefs on others.
Regardless, whether God or Godless, Dostoevsky or Tolstoy, I believe you and I are both digging deep to respond to our respective W's departure in a way that maximizes our integrity. I guess that's all we can do. For me, trying to stay in touch with this core--in a prayerful, contemplative way--is the only way I can modulate the emotional roller coaster.
From everything you've said, staying "open a while longer" seems the appropriate and courageous stance.
Sending you positive energy over virtual space, Yail. If you can find the time, please do the same for me.
