I have to get ready for work so I'll keep this brief and come back later with more.
The part that bugs me is that it tells others around us that it's ok to be hypocritical, lying, manipulative, etc. for the sake of finding happiness. I feel like D5 will look at us when she is older and ask why this all went down. What am I going to say? "I did not love your mom the way she needed so she left to find it with someone else?" D5 should think it's ok to pull this if she is in the same predicament? What should I tell her? This is not a rhetorical question.
I am angry, but I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want to cause any more hurt. She does not deserve any more hurt. She deserves to be happy just as much as anyone else. Is it right/fair for her to find such happiness at the expense of others? I know the answer to this already (No, but sometimes these things just happen. Nothing can be changed so move on).
I have accepted a lot of the events that led us to this point in our life. Acceptance has what got me to the point where I am OK with the inevitability that we are going to be legally separated soon. I did not have that mindset a month ago. I was still trying to save our MR. I don't want to anymore. Not with this person. Maybe not ever.
I know the pain of this will lessen over time (it took me two months this time to cycle back to these emotions. The longest so far) and I know that as I get into a routine of a new normal the pain will be better managed and will be further in between. I have the hope that a better life for me is yet to come. I am putting in the work and I am seeing the fruits of my efforts. I know I cannot stop and I won't. I have gotten this far. I know I can go further.
I have two GAL events going on. I signed up for a speed dating thing tomorrow evening. No expectations and I'm looking forward to trying on the new boots I bought with my gift card money. Friday is another dating-based Meetup event. Another opportunity to test my wardrobe and social skills.
