Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[Turbine]

So I spent the weekend making trips to my sister's place. Two trips 50 miles one way. So lots of thinking time.

My sister had some pans that were our Grandmother's and wanted me to drop them off at our Aunt's.

So that was my task for today. As I was leaving my L called saying the settlement offer was on her desk.

Settlement... my heart must regenerate because it was ripped out again.

So taking a little time to sit down with my L. Time for counter offer. I love her but in no way am I going to roll over on this. She wanted this. Probably longer than I realize. I was looking for a picture of the safe combinations and saw pictures of us. Both smiling just a few months before the BD. Had I not been so stupid would I even be in this position now? Pointless speculation.

She has been not sorting her stuff nor removing it. Makes me wonder what is going on. So do I try to behead this thing with my counter offer? Try to make it as painful as possible for her? Right now my mind is that this bridge gets burned and there is no rebuilding it. Maybe there is nothing to salvage now. I don't know.

Is she testing me?

Seems like the six sessions I got with my coach was a poor choice.

Terminally stupid has less appeal than before but so hard to not get that stupid sometimes. Kids and grandkids, family, friends. I know God is there. Members of the church? Not feeling much support from the leadership. Another test? Maybe.

So yeah, lots of doubts and angst right now.

Not going to do anything to her stuff or her. Its petty and does nothing to improve my mood.

Talking to a friend and he suggested that I hang in there. I asked if that was a suggestion. Poor word choice was the answer. So yes my sense of humor is there. Falling apart didn't last as long this time. Return to the sadness and confusion. Gym after church tomorrow I guess.

Looking forward to y'all thoughts.