Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Oh that feels harder.

I realize in retrospect that I have always been gaslighted, first by my mother and then by H. Gaslighting referring to the process where in other people essentially say you're crazy to protect their own well being. My mom would minimize my emotions and work on convincing me that I should not be upset, and I learned to distrust my perceptions of the world and of other people's emotional expressions. For years, H would also deny that he was upset/angry/whatever and tell me that I was imagining things. You know, if he was angry and washing the dishes and slamming things, he would deny that he was angry and my gut was just wrong when it insisted that the clench of his jaw meant something.

So, part of my emotional escalation was the request to please affirm that my emotions make sense. That X happened and, of course it makes sense that I feel Y.

At some point, I realized that H gaslighted me. Not maliciously and not out of spite, but it was easier for him to deny his own emotions and tell me I was crazy than it was for him to acknowledge that he felt a negative emotion.

For a good 6 months, I simply stopped expressing my perspective. I didn't offer my perceptions because I couldn't afford to have anyone tell me they were wrong. I worked on trusting myself that that my feelings, thoughts, beliefs about what other people felt around me were okay. Even harder, I worked on the idea that even though H denied he was angry/upset/whatever it did not mean that he was NOT angry/upset/whatever. Maybe my perceptions were right EVEN if he said they weren't. Later, when I started expressing my perceptions, I didn't ask if they were true. They are my perceptions, that's already true. The other person might have a different perception, but that doesn't mean my are wrong.

I also had to learn to trust my emotions. Maybe I had no good reason to be angry, but I WAS angry. My emotions existed and they therefore had a right to exist. What I DO with an emotional truth is my choice, but I am whatever emotion I am and looking for whether or not the thing I feel upset about it is "good enough" to feel upset about is a waste of my time.

Also, my emotions are information that is worth considering. I never wake up and think, "I sure hope I'll be thirsty today." Thirst is uncomfortable and unpleasant and I don't like feeling that way. Thirst, however, also tells me that there is something wrong: I am dehydrated so I can choose to fix it or not. So, if I am angry or upset or sad, than there is something about my environment that I do not like and I can choose to try to fix it or not. All emotions get their space, and no one else gets to tell me if they exist. I don't ignore thirst and get more thirsty, right? And, I don't ask anyone else if it makes sense that I'm thirsy. So, I don't have to ignore anger and get more angry or ask anyone else if X is a good enough reason to feel anger. I can make an active choice to 1) change the situation that makes me angry or 2) increase my tolerance and work on letting it go or 3) shift my focus to things that are more important if this is actually not worth the effort.

So, I didn't need external validation to allow myself to feel certain things.

From there, it's about communicating my boundaries and what the "fix" is if it requires someone else. This means I don't have to engage in long-winded lectures or explanations. I should be able to communicate the issue in less than 4 sentences. No one else needs to decide if the problem is okay with me. I am not asking for their agreement. It's already true that it isn't okay with me. And, then the request/ask/boundary should be a truth, and perhaps there is room for negotiation or discussion.

If I ask for something or express a need and the other person isn't able to meet my request, it doesn't mean that I am wrong to want or need this thing or that I'm not worthy of receiving it. This has made me a better parent (my tween daughter!!!), a better employee, and a much better partner. A better friend, too.

A lot of that is a long-winded way of saying I found self acceptance.

I also think the (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) EMDR has been crucial. I have been receiving EMDR for about 6 months about once every 2 weeks. It is very intense emotional work, but it also is bottom up trauma recovery. It changes the brain. It means that all of the above isn't something I have to work so hard to enact or remember. It means I just act differently. That I don't work on believing my emotions are valid; I DO believe they are valid. I have also been trained in EMDR and I now deliver EMDR in my practice. I like being on both sides of the practice. I deeply, deeply believe in it. Repairing the childhood trauma means that it doesn't get to influence my behavior and beliefs about the world as much.