These sound like great goals. I am going to steal some of them for myself in my situation.
Two books I have read (from recommendations here) and found very useful are The Solo Partner and the Seven Secrets to Happy Relationships. The Solo Partner has a big chapter on emotional reactivity and another on the pursuer-distancer dynamic and I found both very useful. It has writing prompts and workshop style parts too, so you can work through it in a practical way if that floats your boat.
Co-Dependency No More is the major book in that area though personally I found the Co-Dependents Anonymous Big Book more useful and specific. It has lots of personal stories in it that can help you identify if you share those traits (like this forum, I suppose). There is a spiritual foundation to the ideas in that book - not necessarily religious - so it might not work for you if you're not that sort - but I read it with an open mind and just took the parts that were useful to me at the time.
