Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

**sorry for the long post.


I was searching for a company info in our previous conversations on WhatsApp today and it took me back to December 2015, right when we became an exclusive couple and first said I love you. Stupidly or not I read through the whole month of texts and found so many differences with the person I was then and the person I am now.

The person I was then: prioritized work, didn't do much chasing, let him start all the serious relationship talks, had a life outside of him, missed him a normal amount when he was away, was fun, flirty, invited him to things but still went even if he couldn't, had friends, wasn't afraid, was really secure with myself, confident (maybe too confident), didn't need to spend every night with him, was so excited to meet his friends and family on our next trip home, I was proud of what I had achieved and wasn't jealous of anyone....


Not one of those things is true now, and I miss myself so much. We had some really tragic events happen, 2 weeks after he proposed my niece and nephew passed away in my presence and I think I had a breakdown for the next 2 years. I wasn't allowed to be upset because they weren't my babies, I needed to be their to support my sister and family and he was amazing at supporting me, but then I think I forgot to fix myself because I became so used to him fixing everything. He has some major family issues and I let them become my issues, desperately trying to protect him from them and that's not what he needed, until he eventually chose them over me (though he won't admit that).

I have been trying hard to go and GAL, it has certainly been easier without him being here but I miss him so much. I know whatever happens in my future I will be ok but my goodness I miss him, I miss us so much. I am hating myself so much right now, that I knew what was going on but I never stopped enough to say I need help, I was always too proud. I'm really hoping my actions can speak louder than my words. I need to have the patience for myself to get through this with no shortcuts. I do have a fear that he will just think I'm doing ok and getting on with life. It's so hard to realize all this and not tell him...don't worry I won't. I know it will come off as pursuing.


I am going to create some goals to get back to being me but if anyone has advice I would really appreciate it:
- Fall Back in Love with my job, I had started to hate it because it took me away from my family but I need to go back to embracing it (this is easy, they have given me a 2 month project to help me through this time and it's a challenging distraction)
- No Chasing - Letting him come to me, I'm not sure about going fully no contact, especially as we live together, but letting him to come for conversations, texts, time together etc and enjoying them for what they are, no R talk!
- Relationship Talks - Not initiating any, letting him talk and validating them, making sure I am engaged, I realized after our talk on Friday that I test him even when he does initiate conversations.
- GAL - I'm going to make sure my daughter and I do something every weekend, and at least 3 nights a week, whether it be a simple dinner out or something like that, trying to reconnect with old friends, just have something to do a lot (this one I struggle with)
- Missing him - this one I have forced myself to do better by not initiating contact whilst he has been away. It's made me realize I am ok without him and life does continue when he isn't here (why did I learn this too late) I am also trying to find some self-help books with codependency etc
- Being Fun - GAL - trying to find my tribe again, we moved away from my close group of friends and I have struggled to find people similar to me, any advice on this!
-Being Flirty and Confident - I'm tryin to get my confidence back, I have lost 21lbs in the last 3 weeks thanks to the divorce diet, I'm still about 10lbs heavier than when we first met, but that was about 45lbs overweight so 55lbs to go, every time I lose 10lbs I am trying to buy myself something new that I feel good in. Even went to the gym this morning!
- Become more secure with myself - this one is a bit of a struggle, I think it will come with the confidence but I am trying to find books to read and working with my therapist to feel better on this.
Enjoy my independence - it's hard when I have my 6D all but 4 nights a month but I am trying to make the most of life after she has gone to bed (although wish I could be more social), and the times I don't have her, I will not waste my day laying in bed crying anymore
Pride - Trying to be proud of what I have achieved, sounds big headed but I am going to write myself a list, and ask friends and family to help me so I can read that list when I am feeling lost. One of my proudest moments was becoming an American citizen so I refer to that often. I think this list will help me stop feeling jealous of others
Excited to be with his family and friends - Obviously this one can't come unless we Reconcile, but I think during any conversations, me asking about them etc will help. These are good people, I had a choice when they started excluding me (they thought I was taking him away from them, as he wasn't visiting them as much as he had planned), I could either acknowledge their dislike of me and why, prove them wrong and kill them with kindness, or I could shut down and make it difficult for him, realizing now I was manipulating him to spend less time with them rather then us all spending more time with them, I definitely chose the wrong option, but hindsight is 20/20 and I think it was due to my insecurities. I have plans for this if we do reconcile.

If anyone has any advice on books I can read to help me understand some more of my issues, attachment/separation/codependency/abandonment issues/jealousy etc I would really appreciate it