The bomb woke me up, but she still won't talk

[lusa]

This is beginning to get a bit boring and repetitive even for me now so it must be for anyone reading this.

I saw tonight that she had started messaging potential OM2 with kisses at the end etc. A newly divorced old school friend which she recently connected with on FB. It doesn't matter she is completely wayward and until she really wants to change inside, will stay that way.

She's nothing but nice to me, cooking for me initiating hugs, calling me my pet name all the time (too much even). She acts all feminine and girly around me but I know that could change in an instant. I'd only have to say a couple of words and the facade would drop, her face visibly turns to thunder and the real WW comes out. If she looks at me her eyes seem to be burning with anger. The closet thing I've seen to it is actresses in movies that pretend to be possessed.

I think this further secret relationship starting with another man is really going to give me the impetus to focus on what I need and to strive towards it whether I have fear or not. I now feel like I am watching this unfurl on tv like a slow car crash.

It's our 15th wedding anniversary tomorrow, so they'll be cards and presents and food cooked or eating out. I plan to at some point ask her if she thinks we will be celebrating our 16th. And then if she is willing to recommit to the M and explain that it means doing whatever she can to make the M work and will involve wanting to attend MC for the right reasons. If she states everything is so much better between us so there is no need to attend m/c and she pushes me for a reason I will explain that my issue is her secret relationships with other men. They are intolerable to me and it is not possible for us to stay M whilst she continues.

Now I know her main issue and my main issue is her waywardness but I don't know how to explain that. If i tried I think it would come out wrong, with references to the state of her heart etc, and she would immediately take it as a direct attack. I think the only hope of saving our M is for her to want to attend m/c and then use those sessions to address her waywardness delicately. I don't want to D and I am willing to do anything necessary to fix our M but this will be the only chance I give her.
I won't continue to live in limbo, ignore secret communications leading to secret relationships, and live in a pretend M where our relationship is never discussed.

So that's my plan. No hard hitting accusations, showing I know I was duped or have found out all these bad things she's done. Just gently, lovingly guiding her to recommit and attend m/c with me. If she refuses I will have to tell her we can't remain married and I want her to leave the family home.

Thanks for your advice Sandi, it is so really helpful. I've been musing on what you wrote all day. I find I'm asking myself the questions you ask and it's helped me determine the best approach, get a game plan and determine what I want and what I have to do.

I'm taking the ball back