Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Such good questions!

EX/OM was referring to his own depression. At the time that everything unravelled, he was not expressing his gender, he hadn't been working, and he wasn't enjoying being a stay at home parent. He said that he had a belief that his role was to be the recipient of my big emotions and assauge them, and at some point, he no longer wanted to do that. He was saying that he believes he was depressed at the time and was perhaps unfair to me, but he also says that my emotional expression is a much fairer expression now. I'm not trying to "get" something when I express emotions. Last week, to me, he said this...

"Emotional growth and healing has always been important to you. But, it's like, if you were a snowplow, you were chugging along but there were spikes in your tractor tires and bystanders would get injured as you expressed yourself and tried to heal. Now, you're removing the spikes from your tires."

Yeah, he always speaks in metaphors.

I think it's a dance that happens between the LBS personality and the MLC personality. He stonewalled me and shut me out, and I escalated my emotions trying to get care and get my needs met. The bigger my emotions, the more he stonewalled. He would blame me for not expressing my needs, so I would express them with such carefulness and accuracy. When he didn't meet them, he would say it's because I was too demanding (the long expression of needs). There was always a reason, but in response to that, internalizing the blame, I spent more time explaining my needs and I made them bigger, trying to make sure no one could pretend to have not know they were there. Of course, none of that was conscious, but in retrospect, that's what was happening. I wasn't expressing an emotion to express it, I was expressing an emotion in a calculated way to try to get a particular outcome. That is, of course, hugely manipulative. So, if i was angry, I might have been trying to evoke guilt or remorse for wrong doing whereas now I'm more likely to say I am angry, this is not okay, and here's my boundary.

I think I express emotions without expecting a particular outcome. Being okay with my own emotions -- even the negative ones like anger, rage, sadness -- means I don't need someone else's permission to feel them. So, I don't try to convince them that I've been wronged, because the emotions already get to be. And, I'm not asking them to fix them for me.

Yeah, not that I'd ever wish for it, but this MLC thing has made me a much better counselor. SO MUCH BETTER.

As to EX/OM being nicer to me, he says it's "civility". But, "civility" doesn't decorate the whole house in origami butterflies. Civility doesn't get excited to watch grey's anatomy. Civility doesn't go skiing with me and ride the chair lift. It's complicated.