Survive, I didn't see your response before posting. I like the idea of asking for things. I think I have begun to do that without knowing so. I told him that he would see S at least every other week or not at all. He actually seemed relieved and has been good about it. I told him that if I go out of my way to tell him something about the kids or send a picture I'm not required to send, that I would appreciate a thank you, out of basic civility. I told him that I don't want to have to look at pictures of OW2 on his phone and he seems to be respecting that. This last time I asked him why he wasn't looking at me when speaking to me. I see these things as good manners, civility, etc. I will not be disrespected by him or anyone else anymore. I have no fear of asking for these things.
I found that when I shared about my miscarriages, there were many people who had experienced the same. I'm finding the same true with MLC. My partner at work is now going through the same thing. She did not support me, so I am trying my hardest to be supportive of her, because I can do so from a place of understanding. She too filed very quickly and is close to wrapping up her divorce. At first I was envious of that, but now I have a neutral feeling about it.
DnJ posted about standing before and when standing really begins. I think he is right. In the beginning we stand for ourselves because we are shattered. After a time, standing becomes a matter of choice. DnJ has also allowed me to embrace my limbo as a choice, rather than something before forced upon me. That simple frame shift has released me from much pain.
Therefore, I think in the early days, it is helpful for people to look for positive stories and to hold on. Then, it becomes a matter of how they handle limbo and what signs they are seeing from their spouse. But, I have a caveat that I would personally advise others. If the MLCer is abusive or withdraws financial support, I would not hold on. I would strike back immediately to protect myself and my children. Mine said mean things to me and did a few petty things to me. He never stopped financial support and even in his darkest days he would respond to me if I asked him to. I guess I saw enough in those actions to hope for a civil resolution, whatever that might be.
