World is upside down right now

[othstr]

AS- I understand about the boundaries, I don't have a consequence, so I can't really do anything about it.

Yorkie- First off, thank you so much. I am told that all the time, but I really does help hearing it. I truly don't know where I found the strength to get up everyday and do the best I can, but I have, especially before S was born, have him makes things much easier to get out of bed in the morning. It has been a rough, long road. I for sure don't need him, these past few months have shown me that! Unfortunately, I do want him, for now.

I know that people here say tell only a few close people of the situation. Honestly, I've been an open book, it is one way that helped me cope. Also, it is very hard to live your life with close friends and family that you see frequently, when H is not with you. There's only so many excuses I can use. My mom asked me last night if the D process has been started. I said no, she asked why not, I didn't really answer. How am I supposed to respond to that? I know so many people, myself included before BD, that would tell someone to drop them after what he has done, forget about him, I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but that doesn't mean I still don't love him. He had his own personal issues, but us a couple was great, or so I thought. What I mean is that we never argued, we supported each other, sex could have been more often, it was at least once a week. It's hard when he travels Monday-Friday. But, I am just not there yet. We haven't even talked about it, at all. I don't want to be the one to initiate it, at least not now. I don't know if there is even an answer to this, I'm just thinking.