Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Oh gosh, such good questions, and no, I find it supportive.

There was a date set for meditation back in June, and that was driven by EX/OM where the three of us and our three lawyers were supposed to meet and begin setting a separation agreement. I dreaded it, and I did everything that was asked of me in terms of financial disclosure. As per MWD, I refused to discuss issues directly and used the lawyer as a shield. As it turned out, two of our lawyers were opposite each other in another case and had to cancel that day because they had to be in court. It never got rescheduled. EX/OM started this job a few weeks later, and he's always been the driver. EX/OM has been trying really hard to secure sustainable employment for himself, and that's been his first priority. I know it's so he can leave (or that was the initial motivator), but I also think it's good for him and I support all of his efforts. Frankly, too, I don't want to be financially responsible for him if we do split, so OF COURSE I support his resume building efforts. He hasn't had a lot of work history, and as a trans man with a chronic illness, he has some barriers to face.

I don't discuss my relationship with H with EX/OM anymore. At all. So, it's hard for me to know directly what he thinks, but H does report to me every once in a while that EX/OM is increasingly angry with H for having not moved out yet. Which is super fair, really, as H kept saying he was going to do it and then has made zero progress whatsoever. So, I think EX/OM sees the increase in warmth and knows H is full of crap, and I guess that's between EX/OM and H.

My relationship with EX/OM has gotten much better. It's so confusing. My birthday is in January, and when I came home that day, the entire house was covered in origami butterflies and I received thoughtful gifts and H made my very favorite meal and sent me pictures of its progress throughout the day. EX/OM did something I consider very inappropriate with my son just before Christmas, and I told him if he ever did that again, I would ask him to move out immediately. I was sure I would get the "cold front" after that, but I didn't. If anything, he's been every warmer! He did finally explain that seeing me so angry but also not "splashing him with teh anger" and "keeping it inside my own hula hoop" increased his trust of me. Recently, when he was discussing enrolling in an online master's program and I gave him my full support, he said, "I've been wondering how much of my story about you was the depression and how much of it was who you were back then, when you would hurt people with your emotions." I told him that we should assume it's both. He still feels trapped in the house and frustrated, but he's moved the blame to H instead of me.

H actually does not seem to be bothered the EX/OM has continued his transition and is read as a man in society. He even went with EX/OM to his company Christmas party where people assumed he was a gay man. I was shocked. But, apparently, no, not really a problem.

My lawyer sent me an email a month ago and asked what was going on. I said I had no idea, nothing is moving. So, a pause for now.