Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Oh yes, of course I remember my constant commenter. I don't know if my story is just too different or I don't spend enough time here to make bigger connections, AND I really so deeply appreciated your support and I STILL think about the story of your father dying and you waiting for the last breath. I wonder sometimes if I need to see this through, the last breath, and also I wonder how I will know.

The truth is though that I have known. I was practically recruited to be a manager in a dream organization, but it would have been 2.5 days a week and H was about to recant on his weekly touch commitment to me. I had also just accepted a new job paying almost twice what I used to make doing clinical counselling, and that's pretty much what I've always wanted to do. EXOM had been working this crazy job for 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it was over and he was now home and H wasn't sure he could do that in front of EXOM.

Me: Okay. Do you. I totally get that it's scary and anxiety provoking and you need to make the decision for you. But, you have two weeks to decide and if you can't follow through on this commitment to me or you don't take the lead and give me an answer, I'm taking the part-time job because I'll be in a safe environment with people who adore me and I will be able to fall apart while we separate houses. I love you, and I know you're doing your best, but if you recant this, I'm done and I need to begin a new life.

HIm: Are you last resort techniqueing me?

Me: Ha. I'm not, actually. It's my truth, but it says so much about how much I've grown that it feels that way to you. Check your gut and see if you think I am telling you a truth or trying to force your hand.

He followed through on his commitment to me. He had a hard conversation with EXOM in which EXOM threatened and yelled and screamed and he held his ground. That was in October.

And, it was just a clear bottom line. A gut truth. A this where a line is for me, and I don't really care what you do because it won't change my truth.

EMDR is so helpful on that front. It basically repairs your brain, adapts it from painful experiences. You act differently, from a place of confidence, and then you later look back and realize the behaviour would have never happened before.

The kids ARE rocking it. They really are, and I'm so proud of them. I will also say that H has been a really consistently great father and he's talking openly about his struggles as a way to model the possibility of change and the importance of emotional awareness and boundaries for the kids. These are all things I'm so grateful for and I also wish they meant I could stay longer. I feel like my clock is ticking so loudly AND I feel like who H is going to be in 5 years if he stays on his path is pretty great.

I think I've been a dang good lighthouse for him. He talked at our last night out about how I've always been growth oriented, I've always wanted to be a better version of myself, I've never shuffled out of personal accountability for that. I know he admires it.

<3