hello everybody, stopping in for a monthly update I suppose.
Things have been somewhat run-of-the-mill, some things new. Mary and I have run into a bit of a rough patch, I kind of expected this a little bit due to her inexperience with relationships. We have gotten past the honeymoon phase is so to speak and she is now beginning to seem concerned about the fact that the relationship is not what it was. She seems to have a very strong emotional response to what I would consider minor relationship issues. I have also found that in the past month or so I have been feeling very emotionally disconnected. I've had a very hard time getting in touch with my emotions lately. I feel like I had to shut so many of my emotional circuit breakers off in order to survive the divorce and the Lion's Share of them have not been flipped back on yet. To further complicate things ex-wife has been very chatty and uncharacteristically interested in what's going on in my life, seems to take any opportunity she can to bring up Mary, and has found some reason to text me pretty much every day for the past 2 weeks. I didn't even ask but she felt the need to reassure me that she is happy with her new life. it almost feels like she's trying to convince herself not me. what I hope is the final court date regarding father-in-law's criminal history with children is coming up in about a month. I still need to type up my response to their last document. Lastly oh, I have been experiencing random bouts of anxiety symptoms again. What I have previously referred to as twisty stomach feelings or gut feelings. I have been dealing with a recurring sinus infection since about Christmas and and well and truly done with winter.
I wish i could say that exw wasnt still often on my mind, but what I can say is that she does not dominate my emotions anymore. I don't get angry at the drop of a hat whenever somebody mentions her or something she did. We actually had to see each other face-to-face for the first time in over a year last week, I was fully expecting that to prompt a very strong emotional response and it did not. I will say that since that occasion she has been a lot more communicative with me. I just answer her questions when she asks them, play nice and move on with my day.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Okay OK. I won't belabor it, but much of what you mention struggling with would be best worked out with a professional. I leave it to you but where there is a will there is a way. And you really can't afford to NOT get the help you need.
Also, sorry on how things are going with Mary. My concern for your involvement with her all along was whether or not you were really ready for a new relationship. Or if you were using her to dull your pain. Obviously the latter is not healthy and only you know deep down whether or not that was the case, or if you were really reaay to commit to and offer your heart to a new person.
As always, if this provides no insight to your current situation then just ignore it. Either way I am pulling for you OK, and praying for you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
maybe things moved quick with Mary and are slowing down a bit. Make sure you're still taking care of yourself and try to look at the relationship with Mary as objectively as possible.
As for your STBXW, well I hope you can find healing in regards to how things went down and make positive changes within yourself to make sure you attract the right kind of person. Also, I think it's kind of normal that you still think about her as she is the mother of your child.
Good luck!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I feel like I had to shut so many of my emotional circuit breakers off in order to survive the divorce and the Lion's Share of them have not been flipped back on yet.
Yeah I hear you, I'm not sure you ever flip them all back on after D. My walls were at maybe 5% while married, 100% after BD and probably 50% with my GF even this long after D. I just don't know they'll ever be lower than 50%. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing though.
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To further complicate things ex-wife has been very chatty and uncharacteristically interested in what's going on in my life, seems to take any opportunity she can to bring up Mary, and has found some reason to text me pretty much every day for the past 2 weeks.
Sounds like a temp check. I'm curious why you say that "complicates" things?
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We actually had to see each other face-to-face for the first time in over a year last week, I was fully expecting that to prompt a very strong emotional response and it did not.
So what was the situation where you ended up seeing each other after so long? I know what you mean though, being around my XW now is almost like being around an aunt I don't see much. Like it's someone I'm familiar with and feel a family connection to, but there's no emotional feelings there.
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I will say that since that occasion she has been a lot more communicative with me. I just answer her questions when she asks them, play nice and move on with my day.
You might remember the story I tell of my buddy who split with his W and similar to you didn't see her or talk to her for over a year. Then she started reaching out which led to conversations over coffee, and then dates, and now they are back together. That was exactly how it started though, she just started reaching out to him by text for seemingly unimportant stuff. I'm not saying she's trying to reconnect, but it does seem like a temp check.
Stander, regarding the circuit breaker thing. That's pretty much why I'm running into issues with Mary right now, my walls are still up to strong and she's looking to have me open up. I've avoided doing so because I'm afraid to show her that I pretty much still feel dead inside, what portions of my emotional Spectrum are not comatose are behind High walls of self-defense. as far as why we had to see each other face-to-face, our son was sick and she had kept him out of daycare. so she texted me to coordinate in exchange for our son being that he was not at school where I normally pick him up, She mentioned she was at work so I asked if she was working where our son was. She said, to be completely transparent with you he is at my boyfriend's house. her boyfriend is much closer to my house then her mother's house where she is living most of the time is. she yet again asked me to come to her work to pick him up and I told her I could not do that, I then offered to pick him up at her boyfriend's house, I offered to pick him up at her mother's house, or I said that somebody could drop him off at my house. despite the fact that it made no sense logistically, she had her boyfriend Drive our son all the way to her work, then she drove him from her work to my house and dropped him off. I only offered to pick up at her boyfriend's house because it would have been convenient for everybody but she's still very adamant on me not meeting him. So long story short, when she came to drop him off at my house he was asleep and sick she had to bundle him out of the car. Because of this I had to walk down the stairs for my apartment and physically take him out of her arms. she said something to the effect of he's had a rough day give him all the snuggles and I simply smiled and said I will. in regards to the surprising lack of an emotional response, I can honestly say this surprise me because only a few weeks ago when she had to come and do pick up at my house it was still getting me all flustered, and when that happens her and I don't interact in person. so I found it very strange that when I had to have a face-to-face conversation with her for the first time in over a year that there was no emotional response at the time. admittedly since that happened she has found her way into my thoughts a little bit more often. I honestly can't say if it was a temperature check, I don't know what your friends situation was but I cannot see her ever backpedaling from the amount of drama lying and deception that went down during our break up. Also when she was asking me about my life and my situation with Mary she definitely made a point to mention that oh, and I quote, we have both moved on and are happy. I don't know if that was her attempt to try and reinforce her situation with the new guy. Honestly I don't try to figure out what's going on in her mind anymore. I have used other people's situations to try to determine if what she's doing is temperature King, her actions are too unpredictable and chaotic to really make a determination. Plus she also knows that the restraining order she had against me doesn't go away until May so she may be playing things delicately, plus we still have a court date coming up in a month in regards to her father
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Oh and one last thing, and I know this may be interpreted as mind reading so give me a slap if you think I deserve one, but last may she blew up the motor in her car, and has been driving her boyfriend's pickup truck ever since. Just this past weekend she got a new car, My son was very excited to tell me about it. She is now no longer Reliant On her boyfriend for transportation. Bear in mind they have been dating for almost 2 years now, including the nine months they were doing so behind my back, but I digress. I know I shouldn't know this information, but she still has yet to this day done anything to acknowledge their relationship publicly in any way shape or form. he does, but if you look at her social media you wouldn't know that she was dating anybody. She literally doesn't even post a single picture of his face. I can't imagine she has longevity in mind there in. Not that it matters because it's done dead and gone and at this point I really wouldn't want to change that. Just can't help up my mind running in circles sometimes
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds