Steve, that reply is opening up my eyes. ovrrnbw, after calming down and sleeping on it, it does make sense. Especially after hearing from you and Steve. This is a 180 of mine. I used to be impulsive and reply right away. I am now deciding to calm down and be level headed before responding or discussing these items. I will talk to her today and be calm.
Steve, I like the idea of accepting separation or D and just being there for the kids. After her text and not responding, I just played dominos with my three children as she tucked herself into her room. Her and I will just go in our rooms and shut the door from time to time. But that is not me. I like playing with the kids and doing things around the house. It keeps my mind from going crazy and such. I will make this a change. I can still read but I can read after the kids go to bed.
I will start to be more self confident around the house. I will have struggling days, I will have good days. I need to focus on getting out more. Taking the kids out more. Having fun. Doing things. Stop letting her moods or actions impact me. It is very hard. I still am focusing too much on the relationship and not enough on me or me and the kids. I feel better playing games with the kids too. We are laughing and having fun doing it. I just need to emotionally detach from her even though I still care about her.
I also usually am the cooker at the house. The kids have been eating a lot of processed food lately like pizza rolls and other not so healthy meals. It felt good cooking them fresh food for a change. I need to get back to that to get them to feel it being at least normal for them. Shows I am moving on with my life.
Anthony, I love this post! This is the right attitude and approach. None of us did detachment well for a LONG time. It is a work in progress for most LBS for weeks and months. The key is to keep it top of mind and work on it. In my sitch I saw such a different reaction from my W when I listened, validated, but didn't react. She EXPECTED a reaction. The other thing about detachment, it shows the WAS/WS that the LBS CAN control themselves. In my sitch my W didn't think I could control myself, and therefore she didn't trust my changes. Once I quit reacting to her emotionally, and was calm and measured even in the face of her dropping bombs, it made her go "Hmmmmm".
And being upbeat, pleased, and engaged around her had a profound effect as well. I know my sitch isn't exactly like yours but changes are always seen as manipulative by the WAS at first, until they see those profound changes in the LBS that start to convince them. Anyone can fake it, but when you truly start changing they will take notice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
