Thanks DnJ, for your thoughtful reply. As always, it’s full of insight and wisdom.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I want you to consider this. What changed from a day ago when you didn’t know this information? Only you. These events had already happened, years ago. Nothing new has actually changed. Just your feelings, and fears. Feelings are fleeting. Find and follow your beliefs.
We had quite a nice day on his b-day when he came over for lunch. And yesterday, he messaged me about some financial stuff, and added 2 shows he found on Netflix and Amazon Prime “he thought I’d like’. One of them is about an “interview with God”. I found this sweet. The message came after my discovery, and it brought me to tears. I see a moment of sweetness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and it reminds me of my love for him. Of why I believe there is a seed of a whole, healthy person in there somewhere. Those sweet feelings got completely bulldozed in one fell swoop.
I don’t feel disgust at my H. On the contrary. I still feel love and compassion. I don’t feel forgiveness fully yet. I was getting there, but I now realize it’s not there yet. A daily devotional comes to my e-mail every day. Just last week, there was a 2 part one titled “Have you really forgiven your Spouse?” I need to reread that, and really dig deep to discover how I will do this.
This latest discovery did not really surprise my when I think about it after a good nights sleep. I knew he was weak long ago. The feelings it bought on where all about me. How could he do that to ME. Aren’t I the fool for not seeing it. How embarrassing for ME.
But, it’s not about me. I now see clearly why he states he is so damaged, he feels he is beyond repair, and I’m better off without him. I’m certain he really believes that. I can understand why he would.
I’m not sure I believe that even now. My belief that ALL people can be redeemed is true. If God can forgive the lowest of the low, who am I not to? Doesn’t mean we ultimately won’t end up D. But I can work through some of these things now without the upheaval of a D in the mix.
