13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Hi everybody.

Sitting here at work, and I am having a reflective quite moment for my self, so I realized, that I had not checked in on the forum for a while, so I wanted to update you guys.

I haven't made use of my "intel possibility" once since I said I would stop, and that might sound like I am trying to applaud my self, but honestly, it showed me that I was more attached than I thought, because I felt like an addict, having to control myself to not go and snoop. Present day, I dont have the urge, I just feel done.

Sunday my ex asked me to join her at seasonal celebration where the kids are dressed up, and they go to church. S2 is sick, so she wouldn't be able to attend with D5 if I didn't come, as nobody could help her out. I attended, and we had a good times with the kids. She thanked me after the service and said it had been a big help, and on I went to the golf course with 3 mates.

I dont have any expectations and I dont really have any reactions anymore - I just want my kids to thrive, and thats it. I dont have any emotions in me, that says to wait out for my ex, on the contrary, I am happy with the way my life is headed.

I've come to the conclusion, that I am going to be fine, and so are my kids - I have endured so much pain and so many things were done to me, that was so very wrong and immature. I dont think I can swing back from that, so I have decided to drop the rope completely, and that has really made me find a balance. I have been sorting out all my personal things, and basically now, I am just waiting for the house to sell, everything else is sorted.

I dont hate my ex, because I was partially to blame in this. Of course I was, it takes two to tango. But I will never forget how she did this to me, to our family and how much it completely destroyed me for more than 6 months. That I will never forget.

I will however forgive, and have, moved on, because I need to, because I deserve to. I dont want her back, I actually pitty her, when I look at her. She looks so "used", tired, old, and her "spark" that I loved, is just gone. I hope she finds it for her own sake.

I feel really good about my self as stated, and I want to get that house sold ASAP, so I can start my new life with my kids. My days, when I dont have the kids are PACKED, I am out the door at 6.30 and rarely home before 21.00, and I love it. I have a new found energy that amazes me, and my depression as well as the person I became with it, is a distant memory.

I let go of the rope, and I am falling, but I have a parachute on my back, filled with advice from all you guys, and my life is on a epic track.

Thank you all so much.

I will check in from time to time, when there is something to report, but frankly, I dont have any expectations, that me and my old life, will ever be a thing again, and... That is perfectly fine - I deserve more, and she is out there, waiting for me to cross her path.

You are all awesome, and I can't express my gratitude for what you have all done for me.
I have battled, depression, anxiety, a new me, letting go and so much more, with you all, and thats worth so incredible much. I wouldn't had been this person today without this forum.