I could really go one of two ways with this..........
Originally Posted by Yail
Originally Posted by Bo562
What's my play?
Tell her "I have plans," or be the bigger man / parent and take care of myself and boys whereas she needed help?
Gut says channel R2C and say I have plans.
Bo, I'm going to be harsh. I suspect many won't agree with me, so please take it with a grain of salt.
If you're looking for a "play" why are you even married. That's not a partnership. W has asked you in advance with plenty of notice in what you have presented as a respectful manner. She's not trying to upend your life with a last-minute assumption that you will bend to her wish.
So I vote you answer honestly. If you don't have plans, then I think it's fair to say, "Thanks for the advanced notice, W - I appreciate that. It looks like I'm free so I'll be sure to keep it set aside for the kids".This shows that your priority is your children and that it always will be.
I say respond to respect with respect. If you have any desire that the two of you will ever be able to turn this around or even coparent amicably you have to play fair back. Only play a fake "I'm busy" card if W is trying to bully you.
Yail, I appreciate your honesty and your input.
Perhaps my use of the word ‘play’ was ill-chosen. However, in response to the ‘why are you even married’ sentiment, I guess I could reply that, like has been mentioned on mine and several other threads, my W has effectively fired me as husband.
I have seen others mention that for GAL, just go ahead and make plans if you say ‘I have plans,’ and be vague about the details, though I’m not sure if that would apply to me here, and perhaps I’ve misunderstood.
I agree that she is asking me far in advance, and is not being last-minute, which is good.
That said, I can’t help but wonder if sometimes she wants to have it both ways with me. Around the time she asked me, she talked about being invited to an Easter Egg Hunt at a friend / coworker’s place, who has a daughter about OS’ age. She talked about it being ‘the boys’ earlier that day, and then just her later that night. I don’t think I factor into that equation at all. And, I haven’t exactly been factoring into the family time equation with her very much recently anyway. W and her mom always take the boys places, or her mom is over to help out. I sometimes feel like I don’t matter—because she’s fired me as H?
Thing is, is that if we end up D’ing, her mom will be here every step of the way to help her out. Like I mentioned in my original post about this, I chaperoned Winter Formal, and W admitted to me that she needed her mom there with her to help take care of the boys and put them to bed.
Bo on his own while W is out? NBD, Bo will take care of it. If nothing else, I can document it for any sort of custody arrangement—she evidently trusts me enough to take care of them on my own, and it would show that I could be able to do it on my own, while she needs her mom around. Hopefully this would cut the legs out of any claim by her for sole custody, which my L said is pretty much bananas anyway. However, it would be interesting to note for the record that I could take care of both boys by myself, while their breastfeeding mother (who needed her own help in the inverse situation) is out late drinking beers on St. Paddy’s Day Weekend. Pump and dump.
I complained about this in an earlier post, but Twofeet set me straight—some people just have it easier in this life, and it looks like W will be one of them, as long as her mom is able to help her out. She relies on her mom for a heck of a lot. OS has a week off for ‘ski week’? (Seriously, don’t ask—it’s a thing here.) Grandma buys the 4 of them SoCal Resident passes for Disneyland to use that week and into the summer, and Daddy’s left out.
If W thinks a life without me (as H ready and able to care for the boys whenever she wants to go out) is really that great, I would argue that she may need to get a preview of what that life would be like without me around, like a visit from Ghosts of Divorce Future. I apologize if this sounds mean or bitter, but what exactly would she expect if we D? She gets invited out and I’m already busy? Better call mom, or find something / someone else.
I believe it was SoTorn who mentioned it earlier on my thread, but it seems like W only needs or wants me around when it’s convenient for her. That’s not a partnership, either. The boys are my priority, yes—the priority scheme is the boys, me, and then....her. W won’t reclaim 2nd place in that list unless or until she recommits to MR and talk of D / S ceases for real.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Gotcha, sorry Bo. Eh, why not have a fun night with the boys?
And then there’s this option. This sounds good, too. Boys’ Night Out. Throw in a movie or two for OS, get more of that time with YS that I crave and can’t get enough of. Take the boys to Chick-Fil-A around the corner, or order in a pizza. Or something like that. I don’t need my mom swinging by to bring over dinner like W did when I was out at Formal.
If nothing else, this would prove to me that I CAN DO THIS. Admittedly, a side benefit would be that she would notice, too—but to paraphrase what LH has said previously, why should I care what she / others think? No expectations, right?
