Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

FS,

Thank you for chiming in with the support. Yeah, things are going to be crazy in the next month and a half.

when I think about my past and who I want to be, it's hard to articulate and put my feelings into words, or words that make sense... A lot of my feelings feel fragmented and I'm still broken. It's like a dark, dirty truth that I feel I need much more work to be done. I keep seeing Sandi's words about having self respect and values. I don't want to live in fear or become weakened by it.

I was so much more with so much less.

W and I were so young and we paved our own way for so long...

Now it seems like it was just a matter of time before we ended up here. I feel like Lotso on Toy Story...

FS, just have to say you an are amazing person. I really appreciate your kind words and even the ones that make me think. It's good to see things from different perspectives.

As you mention DB, today I had such a busy Monday at work that I don't think there was a moment I thought about W in the negative or where I was lost in thought. I really want people to know it will be better no matter the outcome. But they can't wait. I don't know what it is. They have to go through their own journey but they have to want it. They have to want to be happy alone. I see so many posts about LBS still wanting to be happy with the WAS. I feel sad, I know that yearning. I also know that fear.

I know I am not out of the woods yet. This is a cycle. Once I'm alone in my apartment when the kids are with her, I will try to fill my time, my void with other stuff to do. Then I will cycle again. We'll see how strong I am then and how quickly I'll bounce back. Then there will be the D papers... And how would I react to being served and going through it. SO I know there is much to come. I must temper myself for it. If/when it happens I know I will be okay.

S11 sleeps in his own room except S6 loves to sleep with me. He begs S11 to sleep with us so S11 has been doing that, second night now. And its 10:30 so I better make sure they are asleep.