Hello OneArt

I think that assuming the worst at all times is having a lot of expectations. You expect H to behave poorly. Sadly he has not disappointed you very often.

Most times the expression “keep expectations to zero” is for our positive wishing or hoping for something. For example H taking your son out to dinner. Or expecting H to answer a text.

To me expectations are hope with a time frame attached. There is a difference between I hope H contacts son this weekend vs I hope H contacts son.

I posted about this a while ago it may still have merit.

Hope

The idea as you well know is to limit our disappointment in unmet expectations from our spouse. To that end a more open-ended concept is better than the negative default. If we always expect poor behaviour we will subtly project that and others will fulfill it.

You just go about your business with out any expectations good or bad about what your spouse might or will do.

Is keeping expectations at zero the same as expecting nothing? Expecting nothing - a null response, is an expectation. The true view of expectations at zero is in expecting anything. Something will happen, even if it is nothing, we just are not expecting any particular outcome or timeline. Follows more in the just have hope idea.

Of course this no expectations is just for reducing the pressures we place on our spouses and reduces our repeated disappointment and resentment. Healthy people have expectations of them. For example. I expect my daughter to be home after school by 4:00pm. When she isn’t, my expectations are not met, and we have a discussion. This is fine for healthy individuals.

Our MLC spouses are not healthy and will not keep arrangements. Having discussions over unmet expectations would be disastrous. And holding in all that resentment from unmet expectations would be unhealthy for us. Hence - expectations at zero. Eventually, or hopefully, our MLCers will start to come back to reality and heal. Then expectations can be placed upon them - slowly.

However, while they are high strung, squirrel/cat/hummingbird tunnel dwellers we can’t really expect much.

DnJ

Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.