The important thing is to live now. To stop waiting. To stop feeling all this letdown and disappointment. To stop being shocked by new discoveries and new lows. Honestly, I expect to hear mine has had threesomes, group orgies, gone to titty bars, slept with prostitutes, you name it. I don't have evidence of this stuff, but nothing is beyond the realm of possibility anymore. For the most part. I just don't care.
This is very wise, I think. In spite of all my GAL activities, many days and weeks of contentment and happiness and generally enjoying my life since H moved out, I HAVE been waiting. I've been waiting for H to want to get fixed. Waiting for him to choose ME and our M. But, he really needs to choose himself. And I just don't see it. That is his journey though. I can't make it mine any longer.
I ALMOST texted him and said I want to meet tomorrow. I was going to tell him I think it's time we start working out a more formal separation/divorce agreement. But, I think I'll sit on it until after my trip. I'll see my folks, and my sister, and talk to them about it (not divulging recent details, though, just about my decision). I think I'll make an appointment with a L too to talk about how the process works. Maybe a mediator too.
I'm not sure I can move on while still married. It's keeping me stuck. I thought keeping things the way they were were great, because all my bills are paid, H still takes care of the yard, and I am living my life the way I want to. But being married and not proceeding with D isn't letting me truly let go.
I will sit on it overnight. God, please let me get some sleep tonight.
I am going to tell him what I found out though. Eventually. I want him to know I know.
