"I take you as you are" were the first words to our vows. I've been focusing my thoughts around them recently.
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FlySolo, if I didn't read your note just now I think I'd be spinning. Maybe I'm spinning anyway.
I received a email check-in from W. It was brief and polite, as all of her communications have been. She will be back in town at the end of the month and wishes to figure out "how we are moving forward with things". I take that to specifically refer to the house and legal D.
We had a similar meeting at the end of January where I expected to receive D papers but I did not. We aren't at our 6 month separation mark yet so we can't yet be D, but I keep wondering when she will initiate the process. I do not ask or bring it up. I don't want it. If she wants it she will need to file.
We had talked about a living arrangement where I would rent the house from her for a while. I had told her I'd rent until at least the end of June, with a possible interest in longer than that. That is still my plan for the short term. She keeps asking "what the plan is" as if it has changed and I haven't let her know. I don't know if she feels I've been unclear, or she doesn't remember what we talked about, or if she just wants to keep checking-in to be sure I don't screw her over by moving out without notice. We agreed that I should give her 60 days notice if I wished to move out. This seemed amicable for both of us.
So I lost it when I received this email just a couple of hours ago. I still don't understand why she feels we aren't a good fit together. I am trying so hard to be respectful but I want to scream at her. I just want to know - What changed? When did something so good become so bad for her? When did it go from "things aren't good we need to fix this" to "I no longer wish to fix this and want a D"?
Her communication is all so clear and matter of fact and neutral. It gives me no hope that she's changing her mind. But then her actions baffle me. She has not changed her mailing address - I still pass along much of her mail which comes to the house. I received her car registration in the mail - which she registered in THIS STATE. She moved states. Why would she do that?? I didn't open the mail so perhaps I'm wrong on this one, but it looked like a registration to me by the envelope. Last time I saw her she told me she was going to take a bunch of stuff from the house and gave me a list. Said she'd leave the big pieces until March when she had a moving truck, but would take a bunch of smaller things. She didn't. Spent a morning at the house "packing" and literally nothing is missing.
I know I shouldn't have hope from these actions being wishy-washy. But sometimes I feel like she's killing me. I wonder if she is living with OW (who "supposedly" lives near me, not near her. I don't dare do a Google search to find out.). I don't know if they're seeing each other. If so she is being respectful and not sharing that with anyone.
We're both not posting to social media. I think it's an unspoken rule that we both know the other person would see it, and we aren't trying to show off how "happy" or "unhappy" we are. Social Media is always a lie.
I've said it before and it's still how I feel: I want for this to be a separation, not a divorce. I know I can't just decide that but I'm putting it out into the universe. I'm finding the space good for me, and I'm hoping it's good for her. We both had some areas to grow in and I'm really trying to use my time wisely. But I also think she is my teammate and my lover, and I don't want to lose her. I can go NC, but I'm still hoping that it's not forever.
So I'm back to thanking you FlySolo. What you said was very kind but it also made me pause in my moment of rage and insanity. I struggle so much with this but I honestly want nothing more than to be respectful of W. I know that she's not having the time of her life with this process - no one in their right mind would. So I have to center myself every day and remember that the first line of our vows "I take you as you are. Who you are now, and who you will be". Because even if we truly do separate and are not a couple, I meant those vows. I wish to honor W's path, even when it doesn't align with my own. I respect her too much not to.
