This isn't the way these types of relationships go! How is it that just three weeks after we started our trial separation that she can find someone on HER FIRST ATTEMPT and have it go over a year?
IDK how many "relationships" she had before she M you. Counting you, she is on her third man, and two of those were dishonorable. She's on her second OM (that you know about) while being M. Look at what she had to give away to get the OM. Are you really jealous of her dating record? Let me be clear. Her track record cannot be compared to one of honor and integrity. You still have your self respect, dignity, integrity, etc. She doesn't. You're jealous b/c your first attempt at dating did not end in the bedroom? Are you really going to use a cheat as your measuring stick?
Originally Posted by sandi2
Lucky? How do you see her being lucky? That relationship with OM came with a hefty price tag. She was willing to pay it. That's not luck.
Exactly what do you see her getting away with? Be careful, b/c it sounds as if your vindictiveness is trying to rear its ugly head.
I do Sandi, and I'm still on the honorable path in my journey. It's just so much more difficult and nothing is guaranteed. I feel jealous because she is getting what I am lacking. What is it going to look like down the road? I don't know. Statistically a not-so-quite-as-easy life. I just can't help feeling that she cheated and got away with it. That she legitimized her actions. On the outside, no it's all wrong. But to her family, our friends, our social circle it's a true relationship. I feel like they did they "faked it until they made it" to get to that point. I feel like they got away with a robbery.
Life is not fair. I get that. Bad things happen to good people all the time. I have to accept it as a fact of life.
I am not disappointed that the date did not end up with us making out or having sex. Quite the opposite. I was elated at how well things went. I knew going in to the first date that a hug was all I was going to get. And that's ok. It's the way things are done correctly. It's a slow process. Time is an asset. I'm just bummed that factors out of my control can cause it to end as quickly as it started. It's rough but it is a fact of life especially when it comes to love, dating, and relationships.
Originally Posted by sandi2
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Here I am trying to rebuild myself piece by piece ever so slowly and painfully. And now I am in the early stages of my dating journey, and I am already starting to experience the pain of it.
Why are you feeling pain from your first date? You must have had high expectations, if you are feeling pain. I suspect you are causing the pain. You are listening to old tapes in your head.
This pain is different. This pain is the pain that comes with dating and courtship. It is to be expected. I am learning that dating is anything but easy and there are many failures that need to be endured before a positive result comes of it. You can liken it to growing pains. I'm just complaining about it here.
It also doesn't help that I have set myself up for expectations. I keep trying to get it out of my head that logic does not apply as much here as it does other aspects of my life. There are a lot of factors why all of a sudden someone cools or loses interest completely. I accept (or least attempting to accept) that none of it was my fault because as far as I am concerned, I did everything right. I just have to employ the no expectations mentality here as well.
Best example, I called to set up a second date last night. I called and left her a message. She is usually responsive by no later than the next morning. So far, nothing. I am not expecting her to call back. She could have a multitude of reasons why she can't get back to me. Whatever they are, I need to accept it and move on one way or the other.
Originally Posted by sandi2
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I counted the days since I last had such contact...423 days and counting.
What is the purpose of counting? It keeps your focus on how long it's been. You begin your posts with how many days it's been since the bomb(?), not sure exactly. My point is.........what's your point of keeping up with how many days you are suffering? Let it go. Let her go. Stop counting! It's like a daily reminder of adding another day to your painful journey. It reminds you to play the old loser tapes in your head.
Old habits die hard. And I'm not talking about the day counting thing. I'm talking about making something relatively small a much bigger thing that it is. And I admit that I am doing it to gain sympathy and attention. I am noticing that yes, I do gain some sort of attention (pity), none of it is conducive to my goals and paints me in a weaker light. I need to stop doing that.
I start out my journal entries as days because that is how many days have passed since I started DBing. I was thinking of actually stopping because one, DBing is a lifelong process. And two, because it does not validate much of anything I have done in the last 8 months. I'm stopping going forward.
Originally Posted by sandi2
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But I'd be lying if I said I was feeling whole. I am not. I am missing a vital piece in the form of an intimate human connection. I know that I don't NEED that piece to live a good life. I know that I can't force things to happen and that things will happen at the right time.
I'm so sorry you are missing this type of human connection, Phoenix. (((hugs)))
Again, I want to encourage you to not focus on your WW, b/c it messes with your head. You become vindictive and it messes with your heart. I believe you are a good man who has made significant improvements. I encourage you to focus on people who have lived their lives honorably......instead of looking at your wayward W. Sometimes it appears as if the unrighteous prospers, and we question the fairness. There is no fairness in this life. We seem to think there is, but there isn't. If the unrighteous appear to prosper on earth, then remember that this is their only reward. Don't envy the unrighteous.
I'm trying not to. And it's being slowly chipped away. I am better than I was before. And there is a trace of vindictiveness behind my thoughts. But then I remember that I cannot be that person anymore. I cannot be that spiteful, vindictive jerk. I am better than that. I have made steps away from that person. However, there are triggers that flood my thoughts and it just starts to snowball. I'm watching a TV show and the characters engage in sexual activity that I find hot. Then my mind flips to the thought "WW is doing that to OM2 right now" and I lose interest and become hurt again. I think of the look she gave me when she asked me to close the bedroom door behind me and the realization that she was having phone sex with OM2 while I was in the room next to hers. I think of the sexually explicit emails that were sent to OM2 and reel in the thought that they have done and are continuing to do such things. I keep thinking of what she kept saying to me before this all went down. The part that she does not see herself having sex with someone else and that thought makes her cry. The part where she says that she would never do anything to hurt me. The lies. The cover-ups. It's all still there. It's not gone. It will never be completely gone. It will just be managed better as time passes.
I try not to dwell on it and I work on shifting my mindset. It's just taking me longer than usual and I have to wade through the pain to turn it around. It's better now because instead of dwelling on it for many hours, I am on it for an hour to an hour and change then I move on to doing something positive. I keep up with the positive changes I have made and work on making more changes daily. I am working on becoming a man only a fool would leave. That is really my only option.
It's hard to do the right thing. It's even harder to do the right thing and not have any expectations of the desired result.
