Rocky Road 2

[Miler]

She initiated both previous separations,

Summer 2002 - We were married 3.5 years, had a newborn, I was in graduate school full time, and had no idea how to have a relationship. She moved out, we split time with the baby, had divorce papers drawn up (we had nothing to split then outside of a custody agreement). The total separation lasted 6 months. She went on 3 dates in the last 2 months of our separation, I did not. We were in the lawyer's office ready to sign the paperwork and just couldn't go through with it. At that point, we didn't know what to fix other than she felt unappreciated. In hindsight, she was completely right. I went to school 60 hours a week while she stayed home to clean the house, cook, and take care of a newborn. We moved across the country for my internship (to a much bigger city) and the change was welcomed by both. I continued to work long hours, had a 45 minute commute, and we added 2 more children. Things plugged along, but we would have this cycle of honeymoon for a couple of months, flat for a couple of months, rocky relationship for a couple of months...like a bad cycle.

March 2015 - I told her I couldn't go on any longer living like we were roommates with very little respect for each other. She suggested separating. It spun out of control for a couple of weeks. I essentially forced her to file for D. She filed maybe 2 months after IHS. We yelled, fought, and were down right nasty. I moved in with a friend because it was too tension filled at the house. Never any physical abuse, but man, we resorted to name calling, personal attacks, etc. @ days after she filed for D, she started talking to he exBF from 20 years ago (she left him for me). They went on a camping trip halfway between where he lived and she lived. At that point, we had separate bank accounts, separate phone bills, etc. She didn't hide the R with ex. I was hurting, and vulnerable. I met a young lady at a coffee shop, and started dating her just to take the pain away. Mistake to say the least. One night, we decided to go for beers at the bar a couple of blocks away. She had just been screwed over at her new job and I was an ear. Looking back, when she had that bad news, she felt like I was the only person she wanted to share it with. On the walk back home from the bar, we started kissing, and by the time we made it in the door, we were full on sex in her BR (she turned the office into her BR). After, she said she felt guilty, and that it was meaningless. I agreed...an hour later, same thing happened. We must have had sex 6-7 times in 2 days. The emotional unloading that happened there led to us just wanting to be around one another. We both acknowledged that we really were each other's best friend and we just like to be together. She had another trip planned with her exBF and I told her I didn't want her to go. She said she had to do this for her...to see if there was anything there. She felt like she left the R with him without an ending when she started dating me. That she felt he loved her the way she wanted to be loved. She wanted to make sure that she gave that a chance. Of course, I couldn't understand any of this. She said she thought about him when things were really bad between us. Well, she went anyway...came back 2 days early in tears. He was drunk the whole time, he yelled at her, called her names, and she "realized she had been wanting a fantasy this whole time." We acknowledged that we needed to just take a deep breath...She went with the kids and her mother and sister to their family house in the northeast for 2 weeks. On her drive home, she called and said she wanted to try and make us work. For the next 6 months, we went to counseling and had R at home. We were open, honest, and talked about everything that was bad over the previous 15 years. We had nothing to lose. We connected through that. We also connected through hating the 2 people we dated and ashamed that they got to experience our partner.

Since the 2015 separating, I have made huge changes about pulling my weight around the house, trying to be a true partner. And like you've previously read on my threads, she has said, It's not like we are walking around miserable like previous to 2015. She desires connection, constant connection. She loves quality time and quality conversation, not just being close to one another physically. You can read previous posts about everything I'm working on now. Hopefully, its not too late. Some days I feel like it's too late, some days I feel like we have hope.