I just saw the title of your new thread. Totally how I am feeling right now.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I just saw the title of your new thread. Totally how I am feeling right now.
Got to agree, it's a very true title and I'd say at least for me it's a whole lot better than BD - a whole lot!
Before your last thread ended and locked there was a great discussion about you and current BF. Good or bad or whatever, the more I read, the more I can see at least a decent portion of myself in him. That could be good for you in helping to figure him out. The thing is, I'm not sure you guys are a match.
One of the best comments I remember reading was from someone who said, he's not going to change and you either can accept him as he is or not. That is so true. I can tell you I've mellowed a whole lot - Yeah imagine that, the version you guys are all getting of me is a MELLOWED version of who you would have gotten 20 years ago. I let way more things go but I still am who I am and am not likely to change.
What you can change is you. What jumped out is your very honest and self-aware comment of if he tells you to do something you do the opposite just to spite him. Interesting that my exW used to do this as well. She too knew that what I had said likely had merit yet... That's not good for you. You are better than that JuJu. I think part of the problem though is you can't beat him in a debate so this is how you try to beat him - it's very passive-aggressive.
It may well be that you have more to work on with yourself. After all, that's the only person you really have any control over. You did get involved rather quickly with this guy. There might be more to that than you realize. Even now, you seem to be more comfortable being in an R with someone who might be the wrong guy than in no R at all. Yet, from everything I can tell, you'd be just fine by yourself. It's not like you need this guy. I do think it's great that you are taking your time with deciding. However, what I'd really encourage you to do is to have more of these difficult talks with him. Doing so will help you to decide much easier. If you pick a topic even once a week (a couple times a week would be better) and sit down and talk about it for 30 minutes - then let it go. Agree to discus for 30 minutes and then go do something fun. It can be anything - finances, raising children, drug use, religion, abortion - whatever. Even lighter topics could be okay - like music, movies, food, vacation spots. I think if you did this, you'd either see, wow, we have a lot in common, or you'd see, yep, this guy is just not for me.
I very strongly encourage you to consider this. I'm betting even the suggestion makes your stomach crawl but pushing yourself will help you to grow and also help you decide.
In the end, if he is like me, I can totally assure you he is not trying to be a jerk. He's not playing games or any of it. It's just who he is. And who he and I are, just may not mesh with a personality that needs a like of positive and a lot of reassurance. It's okay to need those things - you just won't get them, at least in the quantity you require, from guys like us. It's not in our nature. For me, I know that. I know I need a strong woman with high self-asteme who is willing to call me on my crap. When called, I respond very well. I don't do well with subtle - most guys don't. You need to be very clear, very direct and do it right away or at least as soon as possible. Waiting days, weeks or months will only feel like you are bombarding with months of stuff all at once.
My last comment is this... if you do decide to end things, you did not fail. Don't take this like a D. You dated someone and are finding they may not be a long term match. That is not failure - in fact in many ways it's success. The only thing worse than being in a bad R for 2 years is being in a bad R for 2 years and 1 day. (yes I totally stole that from a national expert - as I do much of my stuff - but it makes great sense.)
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Actually yes I’m seeing some similarities. I’m not saying this to be rude, cause I do enjoy your posts and you do point some good stuff out Don. But you call people out on everything! You notice everything and call people out on it. Now on a forum it’s great. It sparks debate. It’s entertaining . Most of us that post on here have a bit of an obsessive personality and we enjoy dissecting ourselves and others. We are anonymous posters so for the most of us little offense is taken.
But IRL to have someone point everything out that I’m not doing right is exhausting. I’m just trying to share an event or feeling or frustration with him and he’s pointing out something. When Ginger was talking about her daughter, I think she was just telling a story. But you found something to correct her on. That’s exactly what I feel like I am going through. Now it was a good point for me cause my son does the same thing but when he does that constantly it makes me feel critiqued . Like doesn’t he realize all the 100 other things I have to contend with? Doesn’t he realize that sometimes I just have to let things slide and pick my battles. It doesn’t feel helpful. It feels adversarial.
Now there was only 1 time that he was 100 percent right and I did the opposite. But that was after a lot of other debates that sure I could see his point, but I think my point was better for my situation. I just start to feel like I want peace not a constant banter over small things. I have been through a lot of trauma and arguing - with my ex, with my lawyers that were overcharging me, with my sons school district. I don’t want to argue about things like who to ask for directions from or which clothing rack I look at or whether I’m walking in a straight line or whether my son should be on meds or whether I brag too much about my son and my parenting . I just want peace. He feels like A.I. want things sugar coated and that I say I want honesty but can’t really handle it. But just cause it’s his honest opinion doesn’t make it truth or real either.
I don’t think he’s a bad person. I just think he’s coming at me with too many critiques and not enough good stuff. He’s my boy friend, not a poster on a forum. It feels like he’s creating drama. Your right. I have no issues with being alone. I actually do better when I’m alone. But I do feel bad and o don’t understand why. I just don’t feel like I’m getting anything great out of this relationship any more to warrant the criticism
But I’m also wondering if I am particularly hypersensitive or if he has been out of line. I am a fair person
So during a texting conversation, STBX bf made a comment about how I needed to be more humble regarding my parenting skills and son. He went on to say how I should know I am a great mom and should not need to tell others how great me and my son are doing and that I should not need accolades from others. So it was like a criticism mixed in a compliment or vice verse.
It made me mad. His wording was “the issue her is lack of parental umuility”. I just felt like, who says that to someone?
He prides himself on his honesty and told me he does not like to sugar coat. he sees absolutely nothing offensive to a comment like that.
I talk about my son and my parenting in a very positive way. It’s true...
1. I struggled so much with my son when he was younger and I am really proud at how great things are going now. I was taking him to special OTs 3 x a week in rush hour traffic - it could easily take 45minutes to an hour to get him to these places. It was tons of wear and tear and mileage on my car. We were both exhausted. But my son is now able to not only join karate but he’s in the middle of the other kids in terms of coordination and skill. That is huge for us. I make it known about his academic skills because his behavior and social skills and physical skills were so under developed. I visited specialists and read a lot and made sure I was proactive with the school. I did not wait for them to come to me. I set things up myself and made sure they knew his strengths and weaknesses and how he excels from day 1.
I did all this while I was going through a divorce and dealing with corrupt lawyers and finding out my ex was a secret addict and depleting marital funds for years.
2. I think that when it comes to children, lots of positive reinforcement is the way to go. Consequences didn’t work for us. Love and positive reinforcement did. So even when my son is not in my presence I speak positively and the negative stuff is said with humor. I know that his authoritarian approach doesn’t work and I know meds didn’t work cause we tried it already. These are 2 things he debated with me over.
That comment about my lack of humility was meant to undermine all that. it didn’t undermine it for me. I do know my worth as a mom. but makes me mad that my partner would attempt to undermine.
That shows who he is not who I am and that’s what I do not like. I am not insecure or suffer from low self esteem. I am not hyper sensitive to feedback or jokes made in good humor.
I am sensitive to my boy friend not being a kind person. That he’s incapable of recognizing something I value and capable of being so insensitive about it. I’m sensitive to him being an a$$hole and not realizing it. I would never comment poorly on a car he worked hard to rebuild. And I certainly would not tell him he lacks humility if he was to talk about how much work he put into that car and how nicely it runs. That would be rude. that would not be constructive or honest.
I want to end things today but i have so many errands to run. I avoided him this weekend so I’m sure he’s pretty aware.
With all due respect, there is a difference between being honest and being an a$$. You can be honest with someone and “not sugar coat” things without being a complete a$$hat. I personally discount it when men tell me they don’t sugar coat things because in my experience that translates to “im going to say whatever I want and I don’t give a d@mn if it hurts your feelings or not.” It has also been my experience with sugar coaters that while they are fine with saying whatever to someone, if someone talks to them without sugar coating, they get all pissed off and offended. Don’t fish it out if you can’t take it!
Having said all that, juju, I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all this. I admire your strength, your honesty, and most of all your mothering skills. I think it’s great that you put a positive spin on things. If more parents patented the way you do, schools would be a better place for everyone. Big hugs to you and positive vibes coming your way. Also, kudos for not correcting his grammar on his spelling of humility. I would’ve been tempted to be all over him about that. Lol
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Sorry for the typos in my post....I’m on my phone and have fat thumbs but hopefully you get the gyst. A$$holes = bad, sugar coating = not bad, if tempered with common sense,
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you kml and Dawn...he spelled humility correctly. I did not because I am typing from my phone and for some reason, I cannot get these forums to Zoom in correctly, so the print is super small.
My friend thought that perhaps, guys do not like to hear about someone else’s kid as much. it’s a topic that bores them. He was ok listening to the negatives because it offered him a way to problem solve, but me talking about my son became too much for him? And perhaps I should not do that it the future. These guys are not his dad. At the same time, my son is basically my life so it’s easy for me to go there in conversation after conversation.
His delivery is bad. I do not know if his intent is. He says it is not. But I just do not want to be around him anymore. I have been depressed and unhappy. I read about you and Ginger and Focus’ relationships and I realize that mine is not making me feel that way at all. There was not anything super great about our relationship to balance out his poor delivery or the banter that he seeks.
It’s getting later in the day and my son will be here soon and I still haven’t done it. It’s obvious for both of us at this point. But I know it has to be done in person.
Your instincts are correct. This is not a good guy who just happens to be a little blunt. This is a guy who is gaslighting you, who slips a jab into a pseudo compliment, and who doesn't seem capable of looking at himself. And if a guy has no interest in hearing you talk about your kid he's not a candidate to be his stepfather.
I wouldn't go on and on about my kids on a first date but as long as you've been dating, he should be interested because in your life and that in life's your child.
