The bomb woke me up, but she still won't talk

[SteveLW]

lusa, my overall point is that either you want a D or you don't. Don't say you do if you don't. Don't say I am done when really what you mean is "I don't like your behavior and therefore I am going to threaten D to get you to shape up." What sets LBSs apart from WASs is that LBSs, once they reach the desire to actually D they move forward with it and do it.

I get the impression that you are angry at her contacting OM, and instead of dealing with that head-on you have taken the manipulation approach. I know you say you didn't know she was in the room still. I am not sure if you are being honest with yourself about that or not. Maybe you are, maybe you really didn't think that. Maybe you said "I don't want a D" without hoping she'd overhear it. Or maybe you said it hoping she'd still be within earshot. I don't know. But to me this just seems like it isn't coming from the right place.

Do you REALLY want a D, or is that the pain and hurt of her contacting OM again?

lusa, in my first sitch back in 2005, when I used spyware to find out the content of her IMs with OM, and it was clear an EA was in full blown, headed toward PA mode, I confronted her. She immediately said she didn't want a D. I demanded she send him a cease and desist email, and stop all contact.

About 6 weeks in, with the spyware still running, she sent him an email. She later told me she knew I was monitoring an didn't want to feel controlled. My response? I uninstalled the Spyware and told her she was free to do whatever she wanted. For the next 8-9 years she was fully committed to the marriage. I don't know if she ever contacted him on FB once that became a thing, all I know is she was the loving, caring, wife and mother she was prior to her EA in 2005. My point? What good is being with someone that only does what you want them to do for fear of you Ding them? They need to want to be there because they want to be there. You cannot engender that by threats.

So do you really want a D? Or do you want her to make more promises until she has another weak moment? Are you in IC? Is she? Are you in MC? Anything you can 180 on? Have you ever looked into self-differentiation in marriage? If not I suggest you Google it.