Embracing my inner me

[Grace21]

Gerda - I am comforted to know that you will be praying with me. Please do not feel that you need to break your lent to check up on me. I know you are there, with me from afar, and that is wonderful to me. I am thinking I might just deactivate my FB account for the duration of lent. I think I need to detox from the constant urge to check up on what H is doing. Although I use it to follow commentary on my bible studies, which I will miss.

I love hearing about how God places people in our lives right at the moment they are needed. This happens to often to me. I've developed some wonderful friendships with women that I have met since this journey has started. I thank God for them. And, I seem to be a help to them, too.

DnJ - Wow. Your W living only a mile away. That's tough. It does feel like a slap in the face to us LBSs when the person we love chooses someone else. We go through this period of why we aren't good enough, why can't our S find what they need with us, etc. But, when we get to a place where we see it's all about them, and not us, it seems so clear. I'm not 100% there yet, but I have put a lot of thought into this, and am almost there. I can't say I have any compassion for OW, but I have a ton for my H. In reality she is probably really broken too. I know there are a few friends (in particular a single friend), that does not understand why I wouldn't immediately file for D. But, she is still supportive in her way, and doesn't try to talk me into something I'm not ready to do. Most of my friends are Christian, though, and understand what it means to Stand, and why I would do it in the first place.

Church day was so meaningful, as usual. It was about how God doesn't condemn us for our sins, but how sin ruins our relationship with God. And how giving into sin - addiction, affairs, or whatever, makes us prickly, because we are condemning ourselves and therefore are not capable of letting others into our lives. Our relationship with God suffers and our relationship with others suffers.

So, as usual, I left church thinking "why couldn't H hear this today?" He is condemning himself. He hates himself and hates what his life has become. I will pray that he realizes God doesn't condemn him. He wants a relationship with him. I will also continue to pray that he comes to realize that I don't condemn him either. If God doesn't, what right do I have to do so? Someday I hope he is set free from himself, so he can be happy.

With or without me. I hope H finds happiness some day.

[Grace21]

Journaling........

It's 2 a.m. Sleep eludes me. I went to bed early, and slept a few hours. I awoke suddenly, and I can't stop thinking about my sitch, feeling a bit down. And anxiousness is rearing it's ugly head again......

This is only the 2nd time since H moved out (Oct 1) that I've had trouble sleeping. Maybe I should be thankful for the 3 hours I got, and the almost 6 months of decent sleep altogether.

My kiddos are coming home for Spring Break on Thursday. Then we are off for 5 days to see my sister and parents. Really looking forward to it! They are my life.

What makes unhappy people reject those that love them the most? Reject me, the person that believes in H the most. I just don't get it.

The longer H stays out of the house, the more I wonder if it is even possible to attempt to reconcile. Is there too much water under the bridge already? I do plan to just let it evolve, on it's own accord, at least I think I do, but, this is on my mind tonight. Doubts are creeping in.

I look forward to Mondays. The week days give me structure. Keeps me busy. That's a good thing. I've got something planed every night this week. That's a good thing.

I've had 2 books sitting here for 2 weeks, ready to be opened. Maybe it's time to turn a few pages.

[roist]

Hello Grace

One of the key phrases on the homepage of this site and one I believe in is: "it is never too late to save your M". I have even read somewhere else that if you do the right stuff and stay open to the possibility of reconciliation that it is eventually inevitable. Whereas I would not be so categorical, many LBS here have reported years later that the WAS has made contact to communicate that they were wrong and wanted to come back. So in essence, I am saying that there is still hope.

A phrase that is often quoted here, especially in the Newcomers section is that ultimately it is the LBS who decides when it is over. But you don't have to decide today! Wheras your dobts are normal; dwelling on them will not help you.

Go read those books and busy yourself with whatever you would like to do. Enjoy that spring break trip.

And you are right to be grateful for all those sleepful nights that you have had. that is a blessing. I hope that now that the week has started that your routine will help you get past this phase.

Best wishes

[Grace21]

I think I might be done. I don't know how much more humiliation I can take. How many affairs, daliances, internet pics, can I take.

I just discovered that my H acted out a fantasy several times with more than one women at a time on 4 or 5 occasions about 2 years ago. Read his whole blog about it. Oh, he mentions he felt guilt and shame, and he was married and didn't want to lose his marriage, but he went back for more. Does he still do it? I doubt it for a few reasons.

But what the he**. I don't know if I want this person anymore. Maybe I never knew him! He probably thinks I'm so naive and stupid. Maybe I am! I want to call him right now and ask to meet, and just hand over his stories and get his reaction.

Ugh. Help. I need advice. I think I might throw up.

[kml]

I know it's horrible to read, but it's also important to know the truth. And the truth sounds like he has addictive behaviors around sex and/or sociopathic tendencies.

Deep-seated character flaws are unlikely to improve over time. Maybe if the person seeks out serious counseling, like a 12 step program for sex addicts, but even then the odds aren't great.

The fact that he has the underlying character flaw that would allow him to engage in such behavior repeatedly (and without concern for any STDs he might be exposing you to) says boatloads about him.

Why indeed should you sacrifice your future to waiting on him when he has behaved in this way? I imagine the further you get away from your marriage the more you will see things about your H that you didn't notice or admit.

I thought I had a really good marriage - sure, I had to accommodate my exH a lot, but wasn't that what you did in a marriage? I forgave an early "slip" and thought we were good. I DB'd through his affair when we'd been married 15 years and we had a few more good years until he went off in a cloud of MLC at 50.

What I've learned since my divorce that I didn't see at the time:
My ex is a narcissist.
There were numerous other events that I can see now, from a distance, were probably signs of other affairs or indiscretions over the years.

My dating life since my divorce has been - well - INTERESTING, but I will say this - every man I have dated has been more appreciative of me than my ex ever was.

[OneArt]

Grace,

Only you can make the decision of when it is time to let go and move on. I do think you should take what KML says re disease issues very carefully. I was told some STDs can only be tested through a pelvic exam; I'm sure KML can confirm that or give you more light on it.

I have had to stop drawing lines in the sand for myself. It just isn't a good way to live. Instead I just try to move forward for me and the kids and take each day as it comes to me. Most days I don't think I would ever give my H another chance, but then other days I see a glimmer of something and say, well maybe, but I still doubt it. But I am not waiting for him. I give greater odds to my deciding I don't want anyone, or meeting someone who hasn't lied to me, cheated on me, and walked away from his kids.

The important thing is to live now. To stop waiting. To stop feeling all this letdown and disappointment. To stop being shocked by new discoveries and new lows. Honestly, I expect to hear mine has had threesomes, group orgies, gone to titty bars, slept with prostitutes, you name it. I don't have evidence of this stuff, but nothing is beyond the realm of possibility anymore. For the most part. I just don't care.

[Grace21]

The important thing is to live now. To stop waiting. To stop feeling all this letdown and disappointment. To stop being shocked by new discoveries and new lows. Honestly, I expect to hear mine has had threesomes, group orgies, gone to titty bars, slept with prostitutes, you name it. I don't have evidence of this stuff, but nothing is beyond the realm of possibility anymore. For the most part. I just don't care.

This is very wise, I think. In spite of all my GAL activities, many days and weeks of contentment and happiness and generally enjoying my life since H moved out, I HAVE been waiting. I've been waiting for H to want to get fixed. Waiting for him to choose ME and our M. But, he really needs to choose himself. And I just don't see it. That is his journey though. I can't make it mine any longer.

I ALMOST texted him and said I want to meet tomorrow. I was going to tell him I think it's time we start working out a more formal separation/divorce agreement. But, I think I'll sit on it until after my trip. I'll see my folks, and my sister, and talk to them about it (not divulging recent details, though, just about my decision). I think I'll make an appointment with a L too to talk about how the process works. Maybe a mediator too.

I'm not sure I can move on while still married. It's keeping me stuck. I thought keeping things the way they were were great, because all my bills are paid, H still takes care of the yard, and I am living my life the way I want to. But being married and not proceeding with D isn't letting me truly let go.

I will sit on it overnight. God, please let me get some sleep tonight.

I am going to tell him what I found out though. Eventually. I want him to know I know.

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

We do need to see our situations accurately, and it is horrible and it hurts.

I think your idea of seeing a lawyer to get information is good. You do not need to act on anything, just gathering info.

I would like you to,consider this: Just before you found out this latest behaviour about H, you did not feel this way. You had a different outlook, a different heading. I understand your change, heck I’m seeing your H differently and I am on this side of the screen.

Let me pass on some of what has worked for me, for my situation, for my healing regarding a cheating spouse.

Do not make decisions based on feelings. Feelings will change. Your feelings changed almost instantly when you found out about H; they will change again.

Find your beliefs, your convictions. This is an amazing opportunity as much as it is horrible. You have a rare chance to view deep within yourself and find those beliefs. The real you. Yes you are hurt, cut open deeply. It is now that you have direct access to alter yourself. To choose to be better not bitter. If there are quailities about yourself you would like to change, now is the best time. I was, before this, less charitable, judgemental, and unforgiving. Now, well I really like the changes I’ve made.

These beliefs have nothing to do with your H, and everything to do with you. What headings are you wanting? Compassion, understanding, forgiveness?

I want you to consider this. What changed from a day ago when you didn’t know this information? Only you.

These events had already happened, years ago. Nothing new has actually changed. Just your feelings, and fears.

Feelings are fleeting. Find and follow your beliefs. I’ll try to illustrate using forgiveness.

You felt forgiving towards H, as I did towards my W. Nurture those feelings, feed them, reinforce them. They will become thoughts and beliefs. You felt forgiveness towards H (notice the past tense), when you believe forgiveness things look different. A belief permeates your actions and thoughts.

Imagine this: You actually get to the point where you forgive H. The man who has hurt you more than anyone, and you forgive him. Just think of how your interactions with everyone else will be. Forgiveness is very much for you, and will very much change you. That is the result of a belief.

Work through your fears and their grip upon you.

Let go of H.

All of this is about you, H is not involved. This is your journey, and a valuable one at that. Regardless of the outcome of your situation, the lessons and insights gained will be worth it.

About standing. Right now you are full of doubts, fears, anxiety, etc... This is not the time to make a major decision. And you don’t need to make it today. Give yourself 48 hours before talking to H, things will look different. That time delay is something to try to employ always.

Do everything you can to save your marriage. You stand for you. If you do that, you will have few to no regrets about your journey.

I'm not sure I can move on while still married. It's keeping me stuck. I thought keeping things the way they were were great, because all my bills are paid, H still takes care of the yard, and I am living my life the way I want to. But being married and not proceeding with D isn't letting me truly let go.

You do not need to move on, just move forward.

Being married and not divorced is not the source of being stuck or not letting go. “It’s keeping me stuck”. The “it’s” is not the marriage. And letting go has nothing to do with a piece of paper.

Grace, choose your headings. Find, alter (if necessary), and follow your beliefs.

No one truly knows what they will do until they actually face a situation. There is no right or wrong answers. There is no time limit.

Take your time, dig deep, and discover what is best for Grace.

DnJ

[Grace21]

Thanks DnJ, for your thoughtful reply. As always, it’s full of insight and wisdom.

I want you to consider this. What changed from a day ago when you didn’t know this information? Only you.
These events had already happened, years ago. Nothing new has actually changed. Just your feelings, and fears.
Feelings are fleeting. Find and follow your beliefs.

We had quite a nice day on his b-day when he came over for lunch. And yesterday, he messaged me about some financial stuff, and added 2 shows he found on Netflix and Amazon Prime “he thought I’d like’. One of them is about an “interview with God”. I found this sweet. The message came after my discovery, and it brought me to tears. I see a moment of sweetness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and it reminds me of my love for him. Of why I believe there is a seed of a whole, healthy person in there somewhere. Those sweet feelings got completely bulldozed in one fell swoop.

I don’t feel disgust at my H. On the contrary. I still feel love and compassion. I don’t feel forgiveness fully yet. I was getting there, but I now realize it’s not there yet. A daily devotional comes to my e-mail every day. Just last week, there was a 2 part one titled “Have you really forgiven your Spouse?” I need to reread that, and really dig deep to discover how I will do this.

This latest discovery did not really surprise my when I think about it after a good nights sleep. I knew he was weak long ago. The feelings it bought on where all about me. How could he do that to ME. Aren’t I the fool for not seeing it. How embarrassing for ME.

But, it’s not about me. I now see clearly why he states he is so damaged, he feels he is beyond repair, and I’m better off without him. I’m certain he really believes that. I can understand why he would.

I’m not sure I believe that even now. My belief that ALL people can be redeemed is true. If God can forgive the lowest of the low, who am I not to? Doesn’t mean we ultimately won’t end up D. But I can work through some of these things now without the upheaval of a D in the mix.

Time is my best friend. Right?

I’ve got lots to consider and pray about.

[job]

Grace,

You have been given very wise and excellent advice.

First priority is to get yourself checked out. When they begin to experiment, they are like kids and do not think for one minute that they will catch something and bring it back home. Please make an appointment and get checked out.

I, too, recommend sitting on any decision until you are calm. Doing things in anger and/or hurt usually helps us make mistakes along the way. Sit quietly and I can assure you, the answers will come.

No one is advising you to move on, we are advising you to move forward. Live your life as if he may not return. Make a list of those things that you've not been able to do over the years and start working on them. This is your time to take a good look at you and what you would like to do w/your life. We only have one life to live, so live it the best way that you can.

You will know when you are absolutely done. I don't think you are there yet. Dig deeper for patience and continue moving forward.