Whoo. I made it through the weekend. The weekend itself consisted mostly of me and D5. It was a mix of staying home and entertaining ourselves, going out to kill time (take pictures), and some daddy-daughter bonding. Was it as exciting as it was the other weekends? No. But there was plenty of time that D5 and I enjoyed, individually and together.
There was also a lot of idle time which caused past events to come up in my thoughts and that led to some pretty emotional moments. There was no bawling, but there were plenty of silent tears. The feelings worsened when I get a notice that WW will be gone in the last weekend in March. Another romantic weekend with OM2? Probably.
I am also saddened that the A with OM2 has turned into a full-blown relationship. Was it to be expected? Yeah. It was. Did I expect it to last this long? Sadly...yes. WW is now fully integrated into OM2's friends and family lives. I keep expecting her to meet OM2's parents (which apparently is happening this summer). How is this possible? This isn't the way these types of relationships go! How is it that just three weeks after we started our trial separation that she can find someone on HER FIRST ATTEMPT and have it go over a year? How/why is she so "lucky"? I know logic plays no part in relationships in general and things just happen to fall into place, but dammit, why is it that she can get away with this? SHE is the one who cheated. SHE is the one who engaged with with OM2. SHE is the one who is getting her many needs fulfilled. SHE is getting the affection she has been missing. SHE is getting the support she apparently has not been getting from me. SHE is seemingly doing everything immorally and IN FRONT OF ME and getting away with it!
Here I am trying to rebuild myself piece by piece ever so slowly and painfully. And now I am in the early stages of my dating journey, and I am already starting to experience the pain of it. Don't get me wrong, I am a much better man than I ever was and improving daily. But I am getting so...frustrated at the lack of intimate skin to skin contact. Massages, mani/pedicures, even my experiences with a "service provider" (I hit a low with that one) is not the same. I counted the days since I last had such contact...423 days and counting.
And yet, I need to keep going. Because I know I will not get what I want if I give up. I just need to keep doing what I am doing and improve upon it. Keep going to Meetups, keep exercising, keep up with the RotG challenges, keep learning about being a good boyfriend/husband, keep being a good father to D5, and keep living a better life. I know the only thing that's guaranteed from my efforts is my improved quality of life. I am very happy at where I am and who I am right now.
But I'd be lying if I said I was feeling whole. I am not. I am missing a vital piece in the form of an intimate human connection. I know that I don't NEED that piece to live a good life. I know that I can't force things to happen and that things will happen at the right time.
I just wish I can have those thoughts 100% of the time. I hate the fact that I still feel needy and impatient.
