Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

Weekend update:

Last week some time, W and I had our first showing on the house prior to open house and got an immediate bid for asking price. Since then, open house brought 12 couples and a few offers. Today, one visit and another offer at full. Within one week we are now looking to be out of this home sooner than we thought. I guess that's a good sign? We attribute it to the beautiful Eastern Redbuds in the back yard and our style in decor. We now have to disclose that the washer is not operational. LOL at that if we had just replaced it like we agreed.

This past Friday I asked the co worker I walk to her car out for dinner and she accepted. She doesn't know of my marital sitch. She's joked about trying to hook up with some of my engineer friends. I joked about hooking up with some of her skanky friends as side chicks, NO j/k... oh man if that happened, lol. We went as two friends from work.

We went out for an early dinner and from 5-9 we ate, drank, and just had a good time. She was really cute and we laughed the entire time talking about what seemed like everything. It was fun and light. A couple times she asked about me and my W, about the move and selling of the house. Told her there were a lot of moving pieces to that whole puzzle so I wasn't sure but everything was good. We shared dessert and had coffee. It was a king cake dessert with a little baby on it... she kept it as a memento.

The night ended at her car where she turned towards me and reached out an arm so we hugged bye. She was off to work off the food we just ate and I drove home. I brought the leftovers inside and placed it in the fridge; I barely ate but a few bites. W was on the couch and the kids in bed. We spoke on the house and shared some stories about the kids. I went to bed and the lady texts me and said she had a wonderful time. We exchanged a few texts and I left it at that.

Saturday morning, W and I had to be out the house for open house and I told W I was going to take the kids out for breakfast and asked if she wanted to come. She said she was going to take them out to the place I was going to take them so we laughed and we both went. She had S6 and I had S11. We got there and we had a nice time, small talk. We joked and laughed but I wasn't initiating like I did with the girl the night before. I was letting W lead the convo mostly and some times I would say something or joke. For the most part we were being ourselves. I wasn't like the old me. We actually talked more this time than some others. Like catching up if you will. She did acknowledge she was going to pick up a new washer afterwards, lol. I told her I was taking S11 to catch a movie. So we left after breakfast, but on this one, I didn't get a hug from the girl. A thanks for breakfast, BUT I did snatch a big hug from my S6 who went with W.

Then S11 and I were off to watch Aquaman. Yeah its late but we had the WHOLE theatre to ourselves except for two other dads and their sons. Every father/son had a whole row to themselves. The movie was awesome. We plan to see Captain Marvel when it comes out. Last night S11 was watching a new tv series with mom and she asked if I wanted to watch it with them, to share in some family time. I checked one episode out and it wasn't to my liking. I spent a few minutes with them.

Then this morning, we had another showing and had to be out. I took S6 to Chuck E Cheese. Came home and the realtor said this couple offered what we were asking for. She says she will have more offers as well so she'll discuss that with W.

It felt good. The couple also wanted our furniture and liked the look of the whole house. It also felt good that W helped with moving, also helping put some of the lights up I didn't put up, etc. She was proud to have put in the work to get the place where it was and I loved it. She was telling me stories of how she took the ladder from the garage and went up to the ceiling to replace some lights and thought we had issues with one, thinking they burnt out because the lights weren't working so she went up and down several times. Then moved on to do something else and had to come back later after realizing she was flipping on the wrong light switch. LOL, she said live and learn. Yep.

A couple hours ago... After W talked about the house we discussed possibly moving out earlier and she asked me how the apartment hunting went. Told her it was fine. Everything will be okay. She said the house will be done in another month. I told her I thought she wanted them to extend it until end of May for summer(to not move the boys from school to school so close to the end of the school year) and she said if this house sells she may move there with the kids and shuttle them every day to the school here. She said, I hope they don't catch me or I'll be in trouble.
I told her if the new people have a kid they enroll in the elementary with our address it may be a problem... She joked "we'll all be one big happy family" or some such. Dunno if she later thought that might not have been the most appropriate joke.

She couldn't look me in the eyes when asked what this will do to me and I was being mindful of many things, I said I will be fine. I have this attitude like everything is and will be fine no matter what. She offered saying I could move in with them for a while. It just ended there. I didn't shake my head or agree. I moved to the kids rooms. told her I needed to clear the attic in the hallway which was where I was at. In the hallway she was next to me and peered into the nursery and our S11 room. She said one of the couples who looked at the house was a young couple like how we were and it would be a great starter home for them. She looked at me and saw me looking into S11 room. She asked me if I was going to miss it, and I told her yeah, I was. She said she was too. She leaned into me and we both hugged for a moment. S6 saw us and ran into us to get some of that and we all hugged for a moment.

I went to the MBR and the blinds were opened. Told W and said the couple may have opened them and I had a good view of the purple flowers from the bed. Everything was moved away from the window and it was a nice, beautiful view. Told W they may have noticed the view and if she wanted to come see she could. She ended up laying next to me back turned. We were in the spoon position and we had light talk about how beautiful it was. I slowly started moving out. She was going to sleep on the couch to take a nap before going to her family's baptism. I let her sleep in the MBR to take a nap when S6 got in between us. Told him to keep his ipad down some so mom can take a nap. She only had a short time to nap and she said he was talking her ear off so she couldn't sleep, lol. He had eaten the candy he got with his tickets from Chuck E Cheese.

I talked to W after dinner about the summer and putting the boys in an after school program and she re-iterated her mom will be staying with her and agreed to help her take care of them even on my weekends and I asked if she was sure and she said yes. Both boys heard us and said they do not want to go to daycare. So MIL it is... I also think this lets her know I won't be moving in with her.

The lady from work has texted me yesterday asking how the movie went and we continued to chat throughout the day until it was bed time. Today we texted about work. My brother who I eventually told about W and I sitch also asked me how we were doing today. I told him I was planning on getting an apt near W's home. He said he was sorry. I didn't discuss any details and I told him my concern was on my health and to be there for my boys.

Throughout these weeks, I've had moments where I wanted to write them down to share but I didn't. Sometimes there felt like I had moments of clarity. Like going to breakfast with W and kids. I don't have any hidden agendas or feelings. With the girl, there isn't any strong connection physically or emotionally. I am not ready to see it that way or put emphasis on those things. There were surprise moments though when she did something or looked a certain way and I was stunned. Emotionally, we've always had the same interests and laughed. She was the one who thinks I got my W by my sense of humor. Still, for the time being she is only a friend who I don't want my sitch to complicate. I don't think she is looking and neither am I. I'm not saying she couldn't be someone I would be interested in. Just my mind is not there for now. I want to keep things separated for as long as I can. I've also hinted to her that I've had several women friends from before. All friends my W, her sister, and I know personally. Women I could have come over and we could watch a movie, women who would come over and cook up something and we break bread. When I used to work grave yard shift years back, I'd have a female friend who also was up late and I would take my W rollerblades and let the other girl rollerblade with them and we hung out. W eventually even brought this girl to her work, where she was hired with my SIL. She's a close friend of my SIL. So in many cases, also because I work in an office full of women, ratio 15 w to 1 m, I gravitate to the company of women more.

There's going to be a point where internalizing everything is just too much. Too much overthinking and not enough of just doing. Living. So lately I have just been living and trying to cope to make the best of it. And I've been happy with the results. I've had small wins with W where I noticed my attitude has changed. W would ask for my opinion on something and I would give it or say we will be okay with whatever decision we make. My overall attitude is changing because I don't feel like I am a pessimist always easily annoyed. This BD has unfortunately awakened me and I am more grateful then ever for what I consider my second chance in life.

I don't have hope for my marriage and I can still get bummed, but I know I will be okay. I am not a wreck from when I started. I can remember days within the last year I was married and I hated life. I didn't know all the whys or reasons why I got to where I was and I was miserable. My life hasn't drastically changed from all of that, but my attitude has. I think about this moment and my heart aches because I'm humbled.

I may not be doing everything DB or know the best thing to say or do, but I am learning. I'm learning to be a better person, H, and father. These 180s are taking time. Not having to rely on someone else for everything from physically doing things to fulfilling an emotional need is liberating.

6 months in, and I can say I will truly be okay. Life will go on with or without me so if I was smart, I'd better jump on that train now and be open to all life has to offer. Some sad, sure, but many more wonderful moments and memories to be had.