WAW says I'm the "perfect husband and partner"

[Jamine]

First time poster here. I apologize for my lengthiness, but I really need to get this out and get some opinions!

I discovered DB about 2.5 weeks ago when my W dropped our 2nd BD. I haven't read the book (yet), but plan to very soon. I've been scouring the forums reading everything that I can in the meantime, and have read other self-help and psychology books.

This all began in September 2018 when my W dropped 1st BD, "I'm love you, but not in love with you" and "I'm not attracted to you, and never was". She also said that she did not and never has enjoyed sex with me (some of this is warranted, but I am 100% sure that we've had many great sexual experiences that she is not recalling). This came very soon after a two week European vacation together that was amazing on all accounts. I did all the wrong things, started having panic attacks, begging, crying, etc. but I also started seeing an IC, working out more, and trying to do positive things for myself. During this period we were invited to a friend's wedding in India (Feb 2019), which we were both very excited about (having never been there). W decided she should go by herself for "space", and I planned a separate trip to SE Asia (April 2019) to see a good friend. Then her sister joined in this India trip, then her brother, and finally her brothers friend all jumped on this two week trip to India which I was not invited to.

We started going to MC, and it helped somewhat, but did not get to the root of the problem which W said were sexual issues. During MC it came out that my wife had been talking to her ex and had not been honest about it. During a weekend trip I had out of town they had a 4 hour phone conversation that she kept from me until I forced it out of her. He does not live anywhere near us (luckily), and she has previously said that he is verbally abusive and a complete dirtbag. During counseling she agreed to stop contact with him, but since then has been very secretive about her phone (we were previously always open about phone, texts, emails, with no boundaries).

We continued to go to MC, out counselor said she had experience in sex therapy, but it was clear that she was completely out of her element talking about sex. This actually brought W and I together, laughing about how awkward and unhelpful our counselor was. We eventually stopped seeing our counselor together, but each continued IC. We made incremental progress, and eventually my wife told me that she WAS in love with me and WAS attracted to me. Our sex life slowly reignited, and we were happy again. Things had started to be back to normal in Dec/Jan, but I was dreading this upcoming time away from each other when she went to India. She assured me that we would talk regularly, and that everything would be fine. We started talking about starting a family together, and planned to start that process when she returned from India. Before she left on her trip, W put together an amazing romantic gesture for me which consisted of daily love letters and photos for me to open while she was out of town.

On Valentines day, W was still in India, but had not been very responsive to my messages (one word/short sentence responses only via facebook). I opened up a lovely valentines card from her that talked about how much she loves/was in love with me and our future plans. I sent her a message telling her how much I loved the card and happy valentines day, with no response for hours. At this point I asked her what was going on and to please talk to me and she gave me 2nd BD via facebook on V-Day. W "wanted out and was ready for a divorce". This was a huge surprise to me and made absolutely no sense. A few days later she was in the states (wouldn't let me pick her up from the airport) and wanted me to come up with a plan to leave the house and was 100% sure she was ready to divorce. The last 6 months of real love, positive sexual experience, and self-improvement no longer existed to her, and her entire family knew we were getting divorced before I did.

I found DB a few days later, and we lived in the house, sleeping in different beds. She insisted that I move out very soon, and I told her that I would leave at the beginning of March so we could have space (I know, not the best decision). I bought a non-refundable ticket so that I could visit my family throughout March and have a support network (we both live ~1000 miles away from any family - we moved for her job). I'm lucky that I have a remote position and can work from anywhere.

During the two weeks that we had at home together, she was very hot and cold, sometimes angry, sometimes loving, but always insisting that we had no path forward. She tells me that I am the best man she's ever known and that I've been nothing but a perfect husband and partner, but she just isn't attracted to me and now doesn't want a family with me. I've been forthright with my intentions to fix our marriage, but have been trying to GAL, devote myself to my work, and continue to get in better shape. I have a sneaking suspicion that there is an OM in her mind - the non-sibling in India, and accidentally saw a message on her phone gushing about him to her sister - it is likely this isn't reciprocated, but I have no idea. I've told her I will not stand in the way of divorce, but am completely opposed to it, and see a future for us even she takes that step. Our last two days together before I flew away to give her space were very good. She was giving me lots of attention, and I could see hurt and confusion in her eyes. We slept in the same bed my last night in town, and even kissed as she dropped me off at the airport.

I'm now staying with my parents and surrounded by a wonderful support network. I'll be returning home for one week at the end of March before I go to SE Asia for 2.5 weeks. I've convinced her (I know...I know) to consider this a "trial separation", but I've already gotten loving goodbye messages from members of her family as if we're already divorced (I have a very good relationship with her entire family). She plans to file for divorce once I'm back from Asia and our "separation" is over. While I'm away, I'm attempting to detach and allow her to miss me, but my confidence in this working is very low. She wants to rush into this with (seemingly) no thought, and I'm so scared that my entire life is slipping away while I try to wait her out. I know I made the wrong decision leaving the house, but I promised it to her and I stand by my word.

Potential influencing factor: Two of her very best friends have recently been divorced (they were cheating SOBs). She also has lots of girlfriends who have been divorced.

I have no idea what the right course of action is here. I love her and will do ANYTHING to work through our problems. I've already reached out to sex therapists, but know that we cannot begin that process if she isn't on board. How do I rebuild attraction in the meantime? I know that detaching right now is the right course of action, but what steps should I take to show her these improvements in the limited time together that we have?

Thank you all so much for reading. I'm so lost.