I hope tomorrow goes well. It sounds like you have a good plan.
Originally Posted by Grace21
This is tough for me, for sure. I’m a fixer, and I like to see the results in short order. I pray for patience. I pray for peace. I will continue to do so. I thought I had joy and some peace. I really did. But finding out for sure that my H hasn’t changed, worked on himself, and reached out to OW to help soothe him just sent me back, way, way back. I sometimes wonder why. I shouldn’t be surprised. I wasn’t really surprised. Then why such a huge setback for me? Something to think about maybe.
The setbacks are normal and ok. It is part of finding acceptance with something, asking the questions, and finding the answers. And yes, this is going to take some time. You will change, you will find your beliefs, you will find peace.
Something I found to be helpful. Be accurate in thought and heart. See things for what they are, and be accurate in how you phrase them. Be accurate in how you “see” you are feeling. And be careful in how you think and state things, it really does affect your mental state and that creates your reality. This strenghtens the beliefs you want and does not encourage one’s you don’t.
For example:
Quote
I thought I had joy and some peace. I really did. But finding out for sure that my H hasn’t appered to have changed, worked on himself, and reached out to OW to help soothe him just sent me back, way, way back.
You had some peace, don’t doubt yourself.
One thing in all this, there is not much that is “for sure”. At the time “feelings” are all certain. A while later they change and so does the outlook.
These are just some small efforts, with bigger impacts than would first appear. Now, I am not suggesting to change all your wording or anything like that. I believe authenticity is an awesome trait. This is more an exercise that will end up changing you and therefore the rest follow. Just strive for accuracy. When you feel a certain way, that’s cool. You recognize it, you know you feel it. Do you know it will pass? Do believe that?
That little accurate thought, that small step - feelings are fleeting and will change. It leads to so much.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ - thoughtful and interesting perspective. I see the value in this. Your edits show me that how you express my feeling and thoughts are still accurate in #2, but don't have the doom and gloom perspective, which certainly changes my view on it all.
The mind is so powerful, and it can keep us stuck, hurt us more, or heal us.
H just left. He took care of the yard, then we had a cocktail and nice surf and turf lunch. He stayed and smoked a cigar (one of his gifts from me for his b-day), and we chatted for a good long while.
I had posted happy b-day on his FB page last night. He clicked "like". Then, later on, he removed it, but left everyone else's b-day wishes there. His GF probably didn't like it. Oh well. I know you all will tell me to stay off social media. I'm not there yet.
I miss his companionship so much. I'm trying not to think how he will spend the rest of his b-day. I'm sure I don't really want to know.
He shared how he had such a good time with the kids last week. How S21 gave him such a heartfelt b-day card, and wrote a very heartfelt, personal note. He said it almost brought him to tears. D19 had one here for him. Nice note that almost brought us both to tears. It was a nice moment we shared.
When he left, we hugged. I told him I missed him. He told me he missed me too. Then he left.
I need to fill the rest of my day with activities so I don't overthink our interaction.
It was pleasant. I'm thankful for that.
I didn't initiate any R talk. I'm thankful I had restraint.
I thought I posted this early this morning. I was sure I did. I even looked in other threads to see if I accidentally posted it elsewhere. No sign of it. Oh well, here it is:
I think I might possibly have turned a corner over the last few days. My sadness yesterday over missing the pleasant times I had with H was but a blip in time. I am just going to be thankful we DID have a pleasant time during his b-day lunch at the house yesterday. I felt compelled to get out of the house yesterday after he left. Alone here just let my thoughts go a little cuckoo. I took a 4 mile walk, then met a GF for a few glasses of wine.
I have a confession to make. I let OW invade out get-together. This friend has never met my H, and certainly doesn’t know HER (like others in my circle). I showed my friend her picture. She concurs that she looks like a stripper, and from her FB posts, is quite full of herself and an attention seeker. It felt good to share who she was with someone. It was almost cathartic. I fully realize that it’s not about HER, that H is drawn to her and she to him for their own warped sense of neediness. But, I confess it felt good to trash her for a moment or two.
OK, confession completed. This morning my heart it lighter.
I started my “Trust” novena that Gerda found for me. It really is perfect for where I am in my journey right now. Here’s another verse for my prayer journal:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3: 5-6
Getting ready for a 4 mile walk with my friend from last night, church afterwards, and I’m going to spend the day cleaning the house from top to bottom.
The OW/OM is usually not great catches from what we see/read here
MY XH picked his OW who was 14 years younger 28 or so at that time from what I know about her because we never met although she has face book texted myself and my kids and we spoke once when XH was in hospital many years back- I would describe her as a drug addict, her D was teen runaway,and she has psych issues from whar my XH sisters said- she looks crazy from her FB and also dresses provocative-
Sometimes it does feel good to know they picked below us- and they say they affair down- for whatever reason fast forward to today OW facebook texted me a few months ago explaining how awful XH is and how she made a mistake but she was too young abd she wanted to send him back Maybe her halfway attempt for amends? It no longer matters
You did great by walking and staying busy---good work-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I started my “Trust” novena that Gerda found for me. It really is perfect for where I am in my journey right now. Here’s another verse for my prayer journal:
I came to check on you, Grace. I am happy you started and I agree that that one is perfect for you. I made it into a little three-fold paper, I wish I could give you a copy. I will start today too. The only thing is that I am giving up the boards for Lent so I will check on you on Tuesday night if not before but then I can't talk about finishing the novena with you or maybe I will check in on you on the last day of the Novena, which will be March 11.
About the photo -- I did that in the beginning too. Also googled her, etc. H had told me that she was not local, so the local person who came up with that name I kept thinking wasn't her. Found out two years later it was her. I was thankful that God had spared me that pain, because after that my city was ruined for me for a while. I thought I would meet her anywhere. The neighborhood where I knew she worked became a sea of fire for me when I was in it.
It's good to consider that I don't have the feeling about my city anymore. I don't even know if they are still in communication or anything. He might even have someone else now. The feeling you have will fade. But the one thing you can do to help that process is to resist that temptation. Maybe you can give up looking at anything about her -- social media, photos, posts, etc. -- for Lent. Wednesday until Easter. God will help you do that during Lent, remember that it is a way to get closer to Him via Christ, not to torture yourself.
About trust prayers -- Sometimes when I am really sinking, I just say over and over, "Sacred heart of Jesus, I put my trust in you." I just keep saying it over and over until peace comes.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
That trust litany is from the Sisters of Life. They always appear in my life in my city. You can see in one of my threads that when I came out of the divorce court the first time, I was all alone and I was almost unable to stand, I was crying so hard. There were a million people passing on the busy city street, and I looked up and saw that there was this nun in these long blue robes coming toward me, the sun was shining on her, it was like a scene from a movie. So I stood there, next to these construction barriers and waited for her, and when she got close, I said, "Sister, would you pray with me?" She was very young, with the kindest most joyful face, and she immediately stopped and took my hand and listened to me and then prayed with me and for me and for my H. I was clutching the chain link fence with one hand and holding her hand with the other with my eyes closed and crying like crazy and all these people were passing, it was like this sea of people boiling around us but we were in this stillness. Her prayer was all about God's love and comfort for me, using my name, and how God would be walking with me through this fire. And then she prayed for my H, and then we stopped and agreed that God had put us both there on purpose in that moment, and I asked her name, it was Emmanuelle -- God is with us. Now when I go to court, I think of her before I think of anything else. God will provide for you if you trust Him!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
peacetoday is correct. Most MLCers affair down, waaaaay down in some cases.
The OP is a difficult variable in this nasty MLC equation. My W ran to the guy who delivered eggs to the house. He (and she now) are my neighbours directly south of me. Less than one mile away.
This pillar of the community (ok better cut back on the sarcasm or I’ll get carried away) the OM stole his first wife. Yes I know this woman had a part in that also. The first wife past away from cancer. He then coveted and obtained my wife.
W and him are both broken people, desperately hanging on to each other trying to find a life and that elusive happiness.
At the time of BD and the revelation of the affair I just couldn’t get over being discarded for HIM! He is slow witted, unhealthy, unmotivated, a poor father/parent (I do feel for his son), everything I am not. However, as I said, at the time I really had a hard time seeing this.
W completely changed to her opposite, it stands to reason she would seek my opposite in an effort to run.
The other person, the affair itself, are symptoms of this MLC. OM/OW mean absolutely nothing! The affair mean nothing. It is not based on what you think an affair would be based on. Their relationship is build upon lies, deceit, morally questionable actions and justifications. This foundation is like sand, and will crumble as the waves of life, reality, and karma slowly crash against it.
This took me a while to see, to think that way, to understand. It took longer to feel that way. And even longer to believe it.
I do have compassion for W and even OM. Thier lives, seen through the small view I have, are not good. They are not happy. They are broken people desperate to find something. Something W had right in front of her.
I know you’ve read this before, and you are thinking this way. You see OW for who and what see is in all of this. You are doing very good Grace.
Keep your heading.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
