Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[Rita]

Gerda, I wish that I could sit down and talk to you about your situation. I'm sure that there is much more going on than what you share here that could help me help you.

Job, of all the things you have said to me over the years, this one made me feel the strongest, gave me the most courage and hope. It's hard to explain why, but in this post I feel that you have faith in me, and that you understand me and all the complexity of my heart. And oh, lord, yes, I would love to have you sit down right here at the table and talk. You know where I am if ever you are there!

You are allowing his threats to create so much turmoil within you. When you let go and call him on his so called threats, they tend to back down. We all know that he really doesn't want to take care of the children. That is called responsibility and he has already indicated he can't deal w/it even for a few hours, but he knows that this is your "toy" from the sandbox and he's trying to take it away from you. When you give it to him, sure he'll want to play full time daddy for a while, but then he'll lose interest in the tug of war and let things be.

I didn't mention divorce in my postings to you. I addressed the issue of custody only and what you might want to try to ease the path of communication w/your children if it comes to point of not being able to communicate w/them. I don't advocate divorce unless it is absolutely necessary.

And this part made what you are saying click for me. I didn't understand it before. I thought you meant that I was being stubborn about the truth, that I was afraid of facing the reality of divorce and that I should just accept it and move on. Seeing what you wrote about not advocating divorce was such a relief to me. I am so happy that you feel that way. So what you meant, I think, is that I have nothing to fear because these custody things on paper will not come to pass, he is incapable of doing any of them, so I need not fear them. And if he does do them within MLC and it hurts the kids, I can go back to court to fight for them, so I don't have to be afraid of that either. And if he does do them but comes out of MLC and becomes a good father again, I have nothing to fear because then it will be good for the kids to be with him.

I think also in reading your post, which I did right before going to church, and then I was walking in the cold night air and trying to think of what you said about how I must have many things going on that I am not writing about, which is very true, and to make sense of what you said, and I realized something about my fear or why I must appear to be stubborn. It is because I am afraid of all the implications of the custody discussion because they formalize the destruction of our family. I am afraid to say, yes, you get Christmas, and I get Thanksgiving, because I want nothing to do with that lifestyle or that vision of my future.

And I don't know if I will ever be able to see these things are separate boxes. I am glad I still see these things as inextricably tied together and that my heart keeps fighting the banalization of family life into this King Solomon baby-splitting efficiency.

But now because of what you said, I am able to see that you are not encouraging me to agree with any of it, only to get through it and come out the other side, and that you are giving me permission to keep believing that the other side is never a done deal, it could be that the other side will one day include restoration.

I don't even know if what I am posting makes any sense. But I think even if I am writing about it incomprehensibly, I do understand what you mean, and it even echoes the Mass readings tonight, but now it's almost 2 am and time to stop writing even to make it all more comprehensible.

Thank you so much, Job, thank you!!!!