That all makes sense to me. Thank you for sharing and taking the time to answer my question. I know our situations aren't at all the same, but I am trying to learn as much as I can as my usual instinctive way to do it really doesn't work and I don't know any new ways (yet).
I get the asking for reassurance thing. It seems to provoke him to anger, and I suspect it is because he feels like I am some bottomless pit and nothing is ever good enough. What feels like a 180 to me would be to actually tell him when he is making me feel safe or loved or appreciated it, and tell him I am grateful for it.
In terms of deadlines, I am really not ready or in a headspace to think of anything certain for myself just yet. There's no point in me saying, 'right, in June if this hasn't changed and he isn't committed, then I am divorcing him' because the truth is, I don't know if I will be able to do that, and I don't even know if in June I will be committed enough myself and worked enough on myself to do piecing. I am really insecure and angry and hurt and he can't fix that and he can't come and piece with a woman who is alternately wanting him to hold and reassure her then ten minutes later is cold, hurt and angry. So I need to get past that for myself, whether we divorce or not, and he isn't in control or even a factor in me doing that. I also have a lot of childhood stuff to examine in my IC and that is going to take a while because there is a lot of it and it is painful.
I can identify with a lot of what you say about your husband. I know I have taken my work stress and my anxiety about my eldest - who has a lot of challenges that aren't to do with my marriage - out on him at times. I have blamed him, I think, for not being able to make every aspect of my life rosy. That was unfair, and he has a right to be angry about it. And it's no wonder he distanced himself from that. It makes me sad to say so, but it is the reality of the situation.
You said at the start of your thread - I think - that you were considering asking him to stay over regularly one night per week. Have you asked him for that or did you change your mind? Or are you waiting for the right time?
