It must be so hard - to thaw and make some 180s on some distancing behaviour while at the same time not chasing. I teared up a bit reading about how happy he was to see you. That's the kind of thing I really miss, and the kind of thing I want to ask H for - but it isn't the kind of thing you can request, you just have to, I guess, do your little bit in creating the conditions for it to happen, then waiting to see if it does.
You have been so patient. Do you have a sense that things are moving towards you living together again and starting to piece? Do you have a mental kind of deadline for that, or are you willing to wait as long as it takes, or are you taking it one day as it comes?
In my situation, there is a kind of built in deadline as I know when H's big work project finishes. I suspect he might feel, as that time gets closer, the pressure of finishing the project as well as the pressure of me wanting a decision or movement or R from him immediately afterwards. And I can't help what he is feeling, though I don't want to add to that built-in pressure so I am wondering if the best thing I can do right now is not mention it, but give myself some kind of internal deadline after which I will stop attempting to 'connect' with him and encourage and support him, and just go dark completely.
Hi Alison, you're right that it's difficult to not distance and not pursue, particularly when my default is to distance but the situation makes me pursue! It's taken 6 months for that happy to see me face to appear, so it has needed a lot of patience (so not my strong point). But I think you're right, you have to create the conditions for it, and I think me insisting on a date night once a week has built the foundation for that (it was very, very, very difficult the first few months, we had some disastrous dates or parts of dates but they have got easier and more fun). And I also think me insisting on getting a 'proper' hug every time we say goodbye has also helped (well, it's helped me, my LL Is physical touch but I don't think anyone is immune to needing the occasional hug).
Hmm, I seesaw completely on the deadline idea. What I haven't mentioned is that dh seems to have seasonal meltdowns, and every year it has got worse. It's partly because this is his busy season at work and always has been, partly that he suffers from SAD I'm pretty sure. But he's been horrible to me for quite a few years now from November till about April. I've mentioned it and he dismissed the idea completely, but my friends will attest to it! Also, transitions seem really hard for him. The number of autumns and springs where I have looked at the amazing beauty outside and just felt too sad about my marriage to appreciate it. So one thing which has come out of this separation is that he has actually managed to be nice to me (and the kids) during the time of year when he is usually most awful. When ds2 first heard that dh was getting a flat he said 'good, that means he won't be angry at home all winter'. And I know as well that when he has been stressed at work that has tended to be when I felt most neglected and maybe told him that in a really unhelpful way, so that then he felt criticised as well as stressed (I feel bad about that, though he didn't always tell me what was stressing him, just that he would behave awfully and then the next day come home and tell me about a big stressful meeting he just had, and then I would connect the dots back to the impending meeting causing him to be awful to me...) I don't know if your husband deals with work stress similarly? But in any case I think maybe you need to back off, not remind him, be supportive of him during this time and not pressure him, including for a little while afterwards while he recovers. By all means have an internal deadline, but if you tell him about it then it might backfire because you'll have to stick to it. I have had a few internal deadlines, but I've got more patient over the months and then realised that this is going to take longer than I initially thought it might. But as long as things are going in the right direction then that is enough for me for now. Maybe I'll change my mind in future, this can't go on forever. What I need to avoid is what I've done a few times so far, which is to get all insecure (usually under the influence of alcohol and/or hormones) and start desperately asking for some sort of reassurance. That has never gone well. So I'm trying to avoid that for now. It has got easier over the months actually, and I've got stronger and more patient, but I think that's mostly because I can see small signs of progress and not that many backward steps by dh. God I would love some sex though
