ok, so I will journal first quickly and then read and digest your very long response Yorkie, thank you
So dh got back and I was doing some work but went and greeted him at the door with a hug and a kiss. He looked a bit annoyed. He has this thing about me being in his space sometimes (our house is very narrow but somehow it has got narrower as he has got more angry over the years. A while back he would literally push me out of the way or shout 'move!' at me. But anyway, he has never been much of a touchy feely person other than with sex, it's me who is the touchy feely one despite being a distancer, most of my touchy feely needs were met by the kids till they hit their teens).
I was cooking dinner for later and he asked if I wanted to go to the pub, he had to drive later but said he'd have a soft drink (he drinks a LOT and acknowledges this, btw, one reason he gave for moving out was to try to drink less and do his body less harm, but he drinks the same or maybe more, so this is progress in a way). I said I had to sort the potatoes and could leave in 10 minutes so he left early and I went to meet him. When I went into the pub and he saw me, his eyes lit up. THIS IS HUGE, I have to say! For so long he has either looked anxious when I arrive somewhere, ignores me or actively scowls at me. Yet I know this stuff is important to him, because the other day he said that I always look 'delighted' to see him since he left. So this is stuff he takes notice of and is important to him but I've not really paid attention to, perhaps because I've got so used to him looking grumpy whenever I turn up somewhere. But I saw him look really pleased to see me, it was really nice We had a good chat and I gave him lots of smiley looks and he sort of smiled back a bit (very friendly and demonstrative for him, especially with no alcohol) and then we went home, I continued prepping dinner and he went to watch TV. I went and sat next to him and read my book (one he gave me to read) and chatted to him a bit about it. Then he got up and announced he was leaving (he's going out with a friend, I just realised with great sadness that his friend is having his birthday party he has every year, a couple of years ago we went and had fun, last year we went and en route dh was super critical and horrible to me so I turned round and went home and left him there. I feel sad that dh didn't tell me about the party but I guess I'm not invited in case I made dh feel awkward or get drunk and made a scene. Hmm, he might have a point, but he could have told me) He gave me a one armed hug and I told him I wanted 2 arms but he gave me a proper squeeze which was nice, and then I went downstairs to fix dinner and waved him off at the door with a smile. He's coming back on Wednesday night, I'm speaking at an event I got him a ticket to and although he could have gone back to his flat afterwards easily he volunteered that he would come home and stay the night. So that's good.
I feel worn out, but quite hopeful. I feel like we built our connection a bit more today, and that he's warming up towards me. I have to be warm towards him but not chase, this doesn't feel easy after years of feeling defensive and now desperately wanting him back (because I'm not hiding it, I do really want him back, especially this new improved husband). I can wait a bit longer. Maybe the shouting this morning was good, because the more practice we get repairing, the better we get at it.
