Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Rita]

Job, I will write more later. I like your advice very much and it is very helpful. I think you are right about the two separate issues and in fact I would love it if you have time to explain that a little more.

I need to look for more ways to look like I am accepting what he wants with custody; I am just scared because the kids are so miserable with him. What you say about the sandbox makes sense, I am just scared that he will follow through.

But the one thing I don't understand is if you think i am actually controlling or just that he perceives it that way and I have to try to show that I hear him in some way. But to actually do what he asks would lead to the whole household crumbling. He won't even get the kids to bed in the evenings, but I often let my D go to bed late because he insists on hanging out with her sometimes late and if I say it's bedtime, he says her father is more important than school. I literally have not asked him for almost anything in five years. I have accepted everything he does without commenting on it except once in a while when I break like a reed. If he offers anything or hangs out with the kids, I not only accept but I get way out of his way. When I am not trying to be grey/dark, I always inquire about his work and listen; I tell him very little about myself because he is not interested but sometimes I chat about that too. The control he is perceiving is mostly that as he spiraled and was spending wildly, I started to take back joint credit cards and to just deal with things without telling him about it because if I said we were short on the mortgage, he would fly into a rage about selling the house. But the truth is, he could easily access any accounts and cards and run wild. He just stopped doing it and I think he is perceiving me as his mom as a result, like he is scared to steal from her wallet even though officially it's still our wallet. Or with the kids, he is so completely and totally absent, that I do whatever I need to do with them -- and he is opposed to doctor visits, therapy, my church community, girl scouts, etc!

In other words, I feel that what he is calling control is just me keeping the kids fed and the mortgage paid. I couldn't surrender any of that. But I could look for ways to look like I am? I don't even know how! I feel like I will tie myself in knots trying to do that when I am already drowning in just dealing with things as they are.