This morning dh turned up with ds1, I greeted him at the door with a hug and we had a chat. Then he went upstairs to move something heavy that I told him I couldn't do. He stubbed his toes on a piece of furniture which isn't usually there (I've had some decoration done so a few things are misplaced). He SHOUTED really, really loudly and started blaming me for him stubbing his toe. I completely freaked out, got my stuff together and started walking out the door. He came after me and shouted at me to come back. I did and then I went and cried in the bathroom and he came after me and started making excuses for his shouting. I mean, I get that hurting yourself is grounds for shouting. But not for blaming me in such an aggressive way. So he kept making excuses and I kept crying and then he gave me a one-armed hug (I hate these). I asked for a 2-armed hug and he gave me that and I calmed down and said he scared me. He said I over-reacted. So we kind of repaired and went upstairs to see the new furniture and talk about it. Then a few minutes later he said sorry for shouting, which is definitely new but then so is me crying when he shouts.
And then we took the kids out and went for a walk and he vented about work stuff and we talked about just general stuff, it was pleasant enough. I practiced validating about work stuff as much as I could, but I think I've always been ok about this actually. Maybe I was more careful not to criticise or offer advice than I might have been in the past, I can act a bit know it all.
Later on when we came home he wanted to go out to get breakfast so I went with him. On the way home we started talking about pets. It's been a long standing bone of contention that I don't want to get a dog but have said he can when he retires. I'm actually coming round to the idea but I don't think that dh being home for an hour or two a night is very sensible if the dog is for him. And right now he's not home except for a few hours on Saturday so that would be ridiculous. But maybe if we got a dog he'd want to be home more? Who knows, sigh. I told him it would be ok with me for him to get a dog whenever he wanted, but preferably not a big scary one (I'm a bit scared of dogs, which he knows).
Later on I had to go out to the supermarket so I told dh and the kids and was pottering round having some tea first. He shouted down the stairs to me in a sort of panicky way and asked where I was going and I told him but that I wasn't going yet. Then ds1 turned up with his GF and that delayed me a bit. Dh was downstairs so I went to say goodbye and gave him a hug and a kiss and went off, and he's gone off to the gym.
I feel exhausted and confused. On the one hand, the shouting was horrible. But the way we handled it was better. I stopped myself from running away. He asked me not to run away. He said sorry eventually. Maybe we need to discuss it again later. I don't know why I got so upset, I was genuinely scared but I don't know what I was scared of. The dog thing has totally confused me. Any kind of future talk is a bit scary and messy right now, I think I might be the one trying to avoid it now but I think that's fine by him. The other confusing thing is how he seemed panicky when I tried walking away the first time and when I was going out to the supermarket later. It's like he's scared of me leaving when we're at home? Why is that? I think he's always had separation anxiety (whenever I've gone away in the past he's been horrible to me for weeks beforehand), and he suffers it still but then he lives somewhere else most of the time now so he has no idea what I'm up to? Any pursuers identify with this or is it his abandonment issues? What am I supposed to do about it?
