Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

I’m frustrated at myself. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Mostly journaling here.

I went out and had a good catch up with a friend. Still feel a bit like a ghost when out at the moment but hoping that will fade soon.
He came home about an hour after me and was chatty. I tried to be more upbeat. Something I need to work on a little more. We sat and talked for a little. No R talk, but he did ask some things about the new house I’m buying. A few times I walked away and he made comments like where are you going etc. acknowledged that there was some kind of shift in us. I let him know my thoughts of possibly moving out earlier but he was against that, said it made sense for me financially to stay until July 1st. He then let me know my mum had emailed him and he had replied. I didn’t know this had happened. After a while he decided to go up to bed and gave me a really long hug, of his own doing not mine. So I should have just left it there.

I asked my mum to forward me the emails. I appreciated what she said to him. She was defending me and how awful his family had been to me and she’s just trying to protect me. His reply was kind but harsh. A line in there stating he would love to be friends with me but who knows what will happen in the future but that I know there is a less than 50% chance of us reconciling. I panicked.

I took deep breathes and then I went upstairs and just hung out at his door for a second. He told me he was just about to text me and then we made awkward small talk and I was turning to leave when he asked me to come in. I didn’t tell him I had now seen the emails. I just said I’m worried about the hope thing. I don’t know if it is good or bad to have it and whether it is helping me or hindering me on my journey to work on me. He understood. He said he has come to terms with me being in the house until July 1st because he knows it’s the best thing for me financially but also referenced something I said a week ago about who knows what will happen by then between us.

I was quite honest and said realistically I couldn’t move my daughter out, have him realize it’s a mistake and move her back in, that I have more respect for her and I than that. He said well there would be nothing stopping me moving in with you and us renting out this place as an investment. All positive things I guess. The whole time he was reaching out and holding my hand so I let him. He then started talking about how he was missing being intimate with me and had thought of me a few times during his time away. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I left straight away afterwards back to my own room. I just don’t want to reject him when he is needing something but also I don’t think he was cake eating. I think seeing the changes in me was a shock to him.

This morning before he left for his trip, I was in the kitchen being polite and he was just super off with me. I stumbled again and said would you have hope if you were me, he said you asked me this yesterday and I don’t want to repeat myself. I made a comment about not remembering and wishing him a good trip and went to my room. He has left now for the week. He text me a few minutes into his journey saying I’m ok just tired.

Everything was going so well but definitely 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Whilst he is away I will go back to no contact and then I think he is home for a little longer this time, so more chances to make mistakes but also more chances to LRT, 180 etc trying to remember this is a slow, slow process.

He looks happier and I told him that. He looks like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. It’s sad to me. It’s like my husband is coming back to himself but not for me.

I really hope we can work this out. Last night felt like a win and now this morning not so much.
My plan:
- not contacting him at all during his trip
- doubled my IC sessions
- getting a life this weekend
- ask family and friends not to contact him
- work on the being upbeat, engaged and aloof when he comes back next week.