Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[job]

Gerda,

I am no expert on this forum, but from where I am sitting I see two situations going on in your home. When focusing on your situation, you need to separate your h and the children from each other. Try not to lump them together. You have two issues brewing.

Let me try to explain what I mean. Your h's meeting was a huge deal to him and you showed interest in him as a person and what may transpire in the way of work. That is a huge deal to him. He felt like you actually cared about him and treated him like a friend and most likely stroked his ego. Your conversation w/him was actually a normal one w/o pointing fingers, resentment growing, etc. There was no evidence of you trying to control him or the conversation, i.e., you treated him like an equal.

Now, the letter from the lawyer, that may have been prepared a week or so ago. Lawyers don't usually drop what they are doing and shoot out a letter on a dime. It takes a while sometimes to prepare letters and get them out to other lawyers. Yes, what the lawyer stated about your calling and interfering stung, but you need to take what was stated w/a grain of salt. The letter states your calling the children, but was there anything in that letter stating that the children couldn't call you? I would suggest that you ask for one call per day, specifically to say good night and that the children be allowed to have their own cells phones and if they need to call you, they can.

I think that what your h wants is for you to stop trying to control everything in the home, w/him and the children. He sees you are a controller and MLCers do not like that. In fact, it makes them even more resentful and angry w/the spouse that appears to be trying to control everything. If he sees that you are willing to work w/him on the calls, etc., he just might turn a corner and eventually allow your calls to the children. But that would happen in time.

Gerda, the MLCer is like a child in the sandbox. The child sees another child w/a toy and regardless of whether he wants to play w/that toy, he's going to take it from the other child no matter what...and guess what....he most likely will play w/the toy for a couple of minutes and then put it down. Gerda, when the MLC sees that you are dropping the rope and giving them what they want, they tend to let go of what they are trying to get control of, i.e., just like the child that snatched the toy from another child. You both are fighting for control and no one wins in a situation like that, i.e., someone has to give an inch in order for things to change.

I also wouldn't leave him a note. Just take the time and space you need. Remember...actions speak louder than words. Even if you are acting normal around the children, they still sense the tension and stress. They see it in your posture and in your face. You have to find a way to take some wind out of his sails before it gets any worse in your home. If it means letting go of some of the responsibilities and seeking help from him, (even though you don't think he can do them), then try it. When something isn't working, try something else.

I know you will not be happy w/my advice, but you have to be the bigger and better person here and have faith that if you drop the control rope a bit, things just might get a bit better in your home situation. You have to choose your battles in order to win the war.